tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39993315377435601172024-02-08T08:16:57.743+02:00Simply Aasiaramblings of a gyspyAasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.comBlogger107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-72706764405301871182019-08-22T12:11:00.000+02:002019-08-22T12:11:03.869+02:00so tiredI've been struggling to articulate exactly how I have been feeling of late.<br />
Tired is the first word but it's not really the word I was looking for.<br />
<br />
I keep seeing everyone and I mean everyone trying to apply their brand or version of Islam on all of us. And I keep thinking, we aren't the same.<br />
<br />
It's the thing we disparage news outlets for, we aren't all the same type of believer. And my halaal: Haraam ratio might be different to yours, but does that mean we're the same or that we're different? Well to be fair, it's both. We're both sinning, we're just sinning differently.<br /><br />Let me tell you about life, it will beat you down, with health, wealth and mental load. And every beating has made me kinder in many regards but harsher in others.<br />
<br />
I used to believe that I was put on this earth to help. whether I was thanked or not. (how little did I think of myself?) What utter rubbish! When I had oodles of time and energy, it didn't matter. But my time matters more now. Who I spend it on, must mean something to me. If you're someone who is around to be an audience member and won't actively participate in my life. Then don't be surprised when I no longer lean in.<br /><br />Life is too short to bitch about others, mocking who they are and how they live and love. If that still interests you, level up or not. It's your decision. But I don't have to stick around and watch it.<br />
<br />
I know what is precious for me, authentic, real, and ugly emotions and the people they're wrapped in. I would rather sit alone than wag my tongue.<br />
<br />
Im so tired.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-44249372778299689752019-06-24T13:06:00.002+02:002019-06-24T13:14:42.818+02:00Virtue Signalling and the right brand of Islam in the Muslim community<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgHaGbsHmwmHJIb-GVXZc9JI-OIMl-Wnut-DmwBiOpUtsj9tAlAGO9HRvWdxcJjj4RdZsGls-0WL88Vxtr1NaRBZbcZgcm-Qcr5UVMnSFPeaAdq2ccjFyD8YhmUbwsIBb4ULtIF-bfssmN/s1600/self-righteous-woman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="547" data-original-width="800" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgHaGbsHmwmHJIb-GVXZc9JI-OIMl-Wnut-DmwBiOpUtsj9tAlAGO9HRvWdxcJjj4RdZsGls-0WL88Vxtr1NaRBZbcZgcm-Qcr5UVMnSFPeaAdq2ccjFyD8YhmUbwsIBb4ULtIF-bfssmN/s320/self-righteous-woman.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<i>Virtue-signalling, for those who have never felt drawn to the
term, is the apparently modern crime of trying to be seen doing the right
thing. The implication is that the virtue-signaller does not really believe
what they are saying but simply wishes to be admired as a good person. It is
most often used against celebs who identify with more fashionable or liberal
political causes such as feminism, gay rights, racial diversity or concern
about climate change.</i><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have yet to see a popular figure in Social Media in South
Africa who have used their religion to (and keep up here) to perpetuate their
version of Islam and super judginess on other Muslims. Both locally and abroad.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You've heard of a humble brag but have you heard of the
humble shame?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No? well...<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is a new action, and certainly is the weapon of the new modern faithful muslimah hoping to correct another brother/sisters actions, using their version
of what's culturally acceptable versus what they're doing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nowhere do we talk about Quaraan and Hadith, I'm talking
about having opinions on matters you have no clue about, opinions based on how
people are dressing, talking, Instagramming or tweeting, <- this list is
fucking exhausting. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First of all, what other people are doing, as previously
posted, have fuck all to do with you. Whether someone covers more or less than
you, sexier or fatter than you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Like gunning for Siddiqa the Instagrammer and then using her
paid for social classes to promote your book event (have receipts )or the
latest hype a certain couple and co-wife who dabbled with agnosticism ... in
the UK, which has no weight or bearing on the modern South African woman, but
fuck me, do we have opinions?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don't build your social media brand on the backs of others,
whether you're Muslim or not. You don't want that kind of karma. If you can't
be the influential persona online without dabbling in gossip then have a good
God Damn look at your MO and strategy. If you're not a registered life coach,
psychologist or speaker of the faith (This last one doesn't exist) keep your
comments to yourself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I guarantee you will fuck up as bad as the rest of us
sinners are. you're lucky yours are hidden. May your fuckups never make it onto
social media.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-92077137139290000782019-06-19T09:29:00.001+02:002019-06-19T10:20:32.290+02:00Hijab - my weaknessSo since 2016, I've been mostly in Hijab and its tough.<br />
I know why I started wearing it, and it was to be a daily reminder to find better ways of being.<br />
<br />
Friends and Family, don't always understand. I'm "less progressive now" what they don't know is I will still call you a p03$ in a headscarf. but the point is that I WANT to be better, be more God-conscious.<br />
<br />
Heres the rub though. Sometimes I get sick and tired of trying to be a better person. It's too damn hard and especially since acceptance came easier outside of wearing hijab. going out, showing my hair and wearing what I please. regardless of modesty. I miss not giving a fuck!<br />
<br />
Then I try to do not give a fuck and then I feel miserable. because my stupid ass knows better.<br />
<br />
I hate it sometimes because this means something different to others than it does to me.<br />
but these hijabi barbies will still fucking judge me for not wearing it the "right way" or the "IN the way" and for others, I'm too religious, <span style="background-color: #fff0f2; color: #201f20; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;">I'm too conservative in my draping style.</span><br />
<br />
Wearing hijab is tough on me, on my personality, and that's why I fight my nafs, because I know I have a bigger purpose outside of how I look. So stop judging others, that's why we see others with a double life.<br />
<br />
<br />
Be unapologetically you. If you see me wearing hijab - don't comment and if you see me without- don't comment.<br />
<br />
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<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-39095807805285773992018-11-06T11:49:00.001+02:002018-11-06T11:49:43.598+02:00Evolution of the selfthe more the ship rocks, the more effort you use to find your balance. I have struggled to maintain balance. I have fallen, I have hurt and I have wailed at my inability to keep up.<br />
<br />
That's life isn't it? Love, heartbreak, death, struggle, joy anger and disillusionment.<br />
<br />
<br />
I am so disillusioned by my faith, by people, by myself.I just want to draw a line through 2018 and thank God, that even though I am floundering, I still look to God for answers, but I know I am not worthy.<br />
<br />
<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-37833917976365761522018-03-08T09:49:00.001+02:002018-03-08T09:50:49.300+02:00The last 2 yearsTwo years ago today, I instagram'd the moment I walked into my first retrenchment (I didn't know at the time)<br />
<br />
Last year today after being told I did an amazing job, I was asked to leave for not being a cultural fit.<br />
Hijab wearing muslim working for company who predominantly sold hard liquor, yeah I figured<br />
But I took the job because I had no other means of income.<br />
<br />
Its not lost on me, but I can't tell you what retrenchments does to your psyche, your confidence, your ability to say with certainty. I KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB<br />
<br />
Between friends who gave generously of their time:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>my lawyer friend who helped me negotiate a package, </li>
<li>my social media friend who gave me some part time work to tide me over, to </li>
<li>the friend who gave me a home so I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent. </li>
<li>To the friend and her family who opened their home and fed me </li>
<li>all of you who helped me and helped me maintain a semblance of dignity. for those friends who made me cry and reminded me that I have a tribe when I felt alone and isolated.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
I am blessed that every time a door closed someone wedged it open even just slightly.<br />
I count my blessings everyday that I know have permanent employment. That I have am amazing group of people who didn't abandon me when life got tough, when the shit got real. I am not worthy of such friends.<br />
<br />
I still battle with the feeling that I will never be safe again, or feel secured but I know this much.<br />
<br />
Alhamdullilah wa Kafa - Thank God in every circumstance and Barakallahu Wafik to every one of you who saved me over and over again.<br />
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<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-71842515551097520832018-02-13T08:19:00.000+02:002018-02-13T08:19:11.570+02:00shaking old memories loseLast week, the ghadat opened a memory box that I had almost forgotten. While its made me pretty sad, I can't help and marvel at how far I have come.<br />
<br />
The memory box was a little sketchy, in that it plays bits and pieces that overlap and blur and still cut like knives.<br />
<br />
<b>So poor.</b><br />
<br />
When I tell people that I grew up poor and still have that mentality, I don't think they understood. Not that I ever explained it.<br />
<br />
But after my dad has his toe amputated for gangrene. we didn't have much money. I remember exchanging cool drink bottles for cash for veggies to cook.<br />
<br />
So poor, that when I was in agony because of teeth issues, the thing I remember was it was cheaper to extract than fix (fix meant multiple visits - that we couldn't afford.)<br />
<br />
So poor that I cleaned my cousins house for money (she was a year younger than me)<br />
<br />
look at me, Ms Digital Marketer with her own car, and poor person metality and look at how far you've come.<br />
<br />
I never want to forget again.<br />
<br />
I remain under a dark cloud, and the melancholy remains.<br />
<br />
<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-47614921687943071612018-02-09T09:32:00.000+02:002018-02-13T08:22:53.804+02:00Gadat, Memories and WishesLast night was a tough, beautiful night.<br />
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<br />
I am attending ISR2018 International Spiritual Retreat in Macassar Cape Town hosted by the <a href="http://mahabbah.co.za/wp/about-us-2/" target="_blank">Mahabbah Foundation</a>.<br />
And last night marked the start of the retreat itself. And as per tradition, we have a <a href="http://www.iqra.net/articles/Ratib/Ratib.htm" target="_blank">Mass Ratibul Hadad</a> locally known as a Gadat,which was so beautifully heartchingly recited.<br />
<br />
I come from Johannesburg, and much to peoples surprise here in Cape Town. I grew up with it, literally, my father had his own Jamaah and there isn't a memory of mine, where gadat didn't feature.<br />
<br />
Sundays and Thursdays were almost always for gadats, (which when all you wanted to do, was watch some TV and chill) but we did it.<br />
<br />
The recitation last night was like a kick in the gut. It created such a sense of longing of my father and my mother who have passed away. Using the same lagoo (melody) I closed my eyes and pictured my father and uncles sitting in the lounge facing the congregation and leading us while we jikr'd with rhythm.<br />
<br />
My childhood is pierced with these verses, to see My dad leading, my beautiful mother, Aunty Goula, and Uncle Manna and Uncle Ismail (Pa) and the laughter and loud recitation from the men and women of my family.<br />
<br />
How I LONGED to open my eyes and see him there, one leg folded with his suede jacket and grey Kufiya. I sobbed and felt fresh despair, that I would never see my parents again. I ached and wished I was 16 again, when they were all still with us. I made dua for their Akhira but all I wanted was to be transported back, to see them all one more time.<br />
<br />
The gadat and the duas and the memories it evoked; leave me feeling a little tender today.Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-10522838936700858642017-05-02T16:35:00.002+02:002017-05-02T16:35:39.842+02:00Dreamlifes QuizSo while I have been on a downer of note these last few months.<br />
<a href="https://dreamlife.wordpress.com/2017/05/02/3002/" target="_blank">Dreamlife</a> asked me to complete the questionnaire below<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Why did you start your blog and does it fulfill that purpose.<br />
<br />
I wanted to have a voice online, specifically because finding someone I could relate to was so hard. In hopes that someone else stuck between things would find something they could relate to.<br />
<br />
I don't know if it fulfills that purposed anymore, and more just a soap box that I can let things out.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
2. Whats your favourite post of all time. (your own work please)<br />
http://aasiaf.blogspot.co.za/2012/06/lifes-work-and-ambition.html<br />
a reminder of who I wanted to be.<br />
<br />
3. If you could meet 3 people living or dead who would they be.<br />
<br />
- My great great great great grandfather on my dads side, An Afghani pathan who found himself in SA and kidnap a norwegian woman and made her his wife. - I need the full story<br />
<br />
- Then my great grandfather mom side, who was an off the boat indian from Surat who took a khoi second wife, the family made no effort to maintain contact and would have loved to hear the whole story (My grandmom was bipolar and had given him permission to take a second wife, no one thought it would be a black woman)<br />
<br />
- my grandfather (the real Nasser Miller) who had in total 11 wives and we didn't know about him until he passed away (step grandad had his rules) Why 11?<br />
<br />
4. If I could change any event from your past would you.<br />
Both days my parents died, part of me wished I could have been there. But I believe it happened the way it was set out.<br />
<br />
5. How did you kick one of your bad habits?<br />
<br />
Smoking, eventually went cold turkey, when a holiday with friends, meant I couldn't smoke around them. I hated the trip from start to finish, got home, bought a 20 dunhill menthol. smoked 3 in succession, and hated that i was controlled by a habit.<br />
<br />
6. Name one cause/issue that you feel deserves greater awareness in todays world.<br />
<br />
Seeing to our elderly both in our homes and outside. Forgetting the wisdom and the joy and the honour in seeing to them<br />
<br />
7. If you had one month off with no responsibilities. What would you do.<br />
Probably swim and sleep and go into nature reserves.<br />
<br />
8. Whats the best piece of advice you've ever received<br />
Help because you can<br />
<br />
9. Where would be your ultimate place to live and why<br />
Somewhere tropical, where the water is warm and abundance of fruit.<br />
<br />
10. If you could be an animal, what would you be and why<br />
a dolphin I supposed, water, social<br />
<br />
11. When you're dead and gone, whats the one thing you'd want people to say about you or your life.<br />
She was always smiling and willing to help.Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-80271499357953319732017-03-20T15:36:00.000+02:002017-03-20T15:36:01.119+02:00Adversity and AdversaryNo matter how much I overcome,<br />
or how much I endure<br />
<br />
There always seems to be more venom<br />
than there is a cure<br />
<br />
I can't keep at it, this continuous struggle that's not real, but my <b>reality</b><br />
No matter how many of my demons I slay,<br />
I have to fight and fight<br />
new foes, new days.<br />
<br />
Ya Allah, why is the first thing that leaves me, is my faith?<br />
Why is that the hard part.<br />
<br />
People who usually talk about Tawakkul, don't know anything about<br />
the trouble and struggle of what it is.<br />
<br />
What world is it, that we will live in, that allows people to play with others fate<br />
Who don't have the emotional maturity to look for context.<br />
To hate me because Im a misfit.(misfit is the excuse)<br />
Maybe because Im not thin. or don't belong to the same clubs<br />
Or maybe you just don't like a large brown woman telling you what to do.<br />
<br />
Maybe you're the douche bag, but now it's me who must fight,<br />
I don't WANT to, but I will HAVE toAasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-13495027508208219122017-01-23T10:51:00.004+02:002017-01-23T10:51:56.290+02:00What the F**k just happened?I'm actually so hesitant to post this because I know some people will want more than I am prepared to give, say or do.<br />
<br />
But I can't be silent not so much about whats happened, but what I discovered about myself in the process.<br />
<br />
<h3>
<b>The thing that happened:</b></h3>
<br />
I usually offer my services in digital marketing for free for fundraisers and people who do community work. So when a local religious (sheigh) leader asked to meet me to discuss a project. I thought nothing of it. I've met with plenty of them to know how to conduct myself.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Side Note</b>: as someone who has recently embraced Hijab, I understand there is additional scrutiny on how I conduct myself in muslim restaurants, especially with local scholars/leaders<br />
<br />
<u><i>Flag 1</i></u>: said sheigh pitched up in casual clothes and I could smell the cologne on him and could see he had recently shaved and groomed. This made me nervous because the first thing he remarked on was how pretty I was.<br />
<br />
<i><u>Flag 2</u></i>: he kept asking me, how long I was prepared to stay there with him and once we were done with the meeting, would I take a drive with him to get dessert [ I have met many local Shuyook and have NEVER ever had this experience before]<br />
<br />
At this point of the day, I was pretty uncomfortable, but stayed because I thought I was reading to much into things. because you know why should fat girls in abayas in scarves ever think that they'd be hit on ( my self worth is up for discussion on another day)<br />
<br />
at this point, the way this man is looking at me, I am suddenly under no illussion about what this meeting was about. Offering me free trips and other payments/<br />
<br />
I wait for him to leave the restaurant first and hide out in the loo until I think the coast is clear (This bit of paranoia was after him asking me what kind of car I drove and where I would be going to next)<br />
<br />
I then make a hasty exit and go to a good friend.<br />
<br />
Later that night, he messaged me to say, he'd like to meet again and hopefully won't be so "toe-gestiek" less conservatively dressed and that he owes me dessert (this last line actually made me vom)<br />
<h3>
<br />Where my head is at</h3>
I am usually pretty forceful and quick to call out bullshit. So why was this so different for me? Why didn't I stand up and walk out as soon as I was uncomfortable?<br />
For someone a local politician called belligerent, I could barely string a few sentences togethter to even explain what I felt.<br />
<br />
I was violated, I was made to feel like a piece of meat and worse I couldn't udnertand WHAT I HAD DONE to make this man think he could treat me this way.<br />
<br />
I was so mad at myself, for a being in that situation and for not speaking up about it. In my mind I was exempt from this kind of behaviour because of my size. FUCK ME was I wrong.<br />
<br />
Im still pretty screwed up about this, and still dealing with it. But does this qualify as sexual abuse?because nothing actually happened aside from a married muslim sheigh hitting on me and assuming I was ok with it.<br />
<br />
I won't be doing anything right now about this, except that I have blocked said guy from contacting me.<br />
<br />
What the fuck do I do now?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">disclaimer: I have had the honour of meeting some amazing scholars, sheighs and Imams and enjoy great relationships with them. and by no means do I assume that they're all the same</span>Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-80071637902772033392016-07-21T06:58:00.002+02:002016-07-21T06:58:22.228+02:00TBSTThe beautiful scary thing is hidden away. Its sheer power to change who I am frightens me and gives me bravado to be myself, unapologetically.<br />
<br />
Every time I want to take this beautiful scary thing out and show it to the world, I know the world and I are just not ready.<br />
<br />
So back into the deep dark recess I keep you there, the beautiful scary thing, where I will visit you often and shine a bright light on you and love you and nurture you.<br />
<br />
That's when I realise, its not my job to present the beautiful scary thing to the world. That is for itself to decide. So I sit here waiting in anticipation for that day to come and I can announce to the world.<br />
<br />
I have loved you, beautiful scary thing, from the day I met you.<br />
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<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-73023309124435255852016-03-11T13:11:00.002+02:002016-03-11T13:11:38.397+02:00Walking woundedTakes a breathe<br />
lets go<br />
of the safe harbour<br />
spiralling into the depths<br />
<br />
Heart is strong but afraid<br />
Head keeps looking back<br />
but can't turn around<br />
<br />
this,is.it<br />
<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-84914025069256643502015-08-31T14:26:00.001+02:002015-08-31T14:26:41.865+02:00well, do you?Do you know you're drowning?<br />
Can you even tell,<br />
or<br />
like a slow boiled crustacean who is none the wiser to its<br />
surroundings<br />
<br />
Will you slowly be killed, suffocated<br />
and not even realise<br />
<br />
you could have just moved.Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-21105636331411133582015-07-27T15:41:00.000+02:002015-07-27T15:42:04.945+02:00AdultingI've always been the good girl, the well behaved -its-the-right-thing-to-do girl.<br />
<br />
And somewhere along the lines, I got tired of it. I have lived my life out of fear.<br />
Fear that I wouldn't be enough, that I'd be too much, that I wouldn't crack it.<br />
<br />
My fear has taken many forms, people pleaseing, the mediator, the fence sitter and ofcourse the constant need for external validation.<br />
<br />
Now I sit here and I have taken my first "no take backs" adult steps. And the world didn't crumble.<br />
While I am still fighting the internal fight with my old self. I have to constantly remind myself to be brave and bold because I am looking for a different outcome.<br />
<br />
So go on, be brave and do something that scares the shit out of you<br />
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<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-10389992173646905012015-06-21T07:45:00.002+02:002015-06-21T07:45:54.340+02:00Who I am<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">āIām quirky, silly, blunt, and broken. My days are sometimes too dark, and my nights are sometimes too long. I often trip over my own insecurities. I require attention, long for passion, and wish to be desired. I use music to speak when words fail me, even though words are as important to me as the air I breathe. I love hard and with all that i have and even with my faults, I am worth loving.ā<br style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased !important; text-rendering: optimizelegibility;" />-Danu Grayson</span>Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-39686978551759655142015-06-19T17:31:00.000+02:002015-06-19T17:31:31.476+02:00SometimesIn between the constant tinging of my phone<br />
and hooted car horns I find my self sometimes in moments of clarity<br />
<br />
between fleeting rainfalls and misty beaches<br />
sometimes I catch glimpses of myself<br />
<br />
Between wishes for love and soapboxing my glorious independance<br />
Sometimes there's a knock which I answer<br />
<br />
Between flirtatious repartee and honest confessions<br />
sometimes a hand is extended.<br />
<br />
Between ravernous hunger and steaming towers of food<br />
Sometimes I hunger for you<br />
<br />
Between flip flops in my tummy, and stuttering in my speech<br />
sometimes you see me<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-23156915921891218372015-02-22T00:19:00.000+02:002015-02-22T00:19:21.513+02:00For the love of somethingI have struggled over the last few months, to find something positive to write to about.<br />
I have been uninspired and couldn't be arsed about anything.<br />
<br />
I wanted to write but genuinely didn't want to put any more negative thoughts into the world and really well I needed a boost of some sort,<br />
<br />
Anyone who knew me as a kid, knew I couldn't stand still. I needed to move and dance and I genuinely communicated through interpretive dance. It drove my mom crazy<br />
<br />
I don't know if I lost that creative spark, or if by becoming more serious, but those random bursts of movement became less and less over the last 15 years (sad hey?)<br />
<br />
I then saw this <a href="https://liveagainsttheflow.wordpress.com/2013/01/28/i-wish-someone-had-intervened/" target="_blank">article</a> on a friends FB wall and I thought, maybe if I started dancing again, I would have the energy to return to gym and refocus my health efforts.<br />
<br />
It did so much more. From the time I stepped back into the Salsa class (which while it was recommended I buy dancing shoes, I was like err yeah lets see how the first month goes)<br />
ha! after 2 classes , I feel the tetonic shift in me and didn't even realise it.<br />
<br />
My first inkling was a week ago when I heard a random song on the radio in the office, stood up, did a quick 2 step, twirled and sat down. A colleague looked at me, as if I had pulled out a machete, but yes, small burst of creative energy and my afternoon changed. I was reenergised.<br />
<br />
Tonight, we went to the grandwhite dinner, which I thought was going to be moer pretentious and very high brow, Far from it! The DJ played everything, from Shabba Ranks, to Bob Marley and even Pitbull and I.could.not.sit.still https://instagram.com/p/zYMzGqOv5O/?modal=true<br />
<br />
<br />
I have not felt this alive or this free in a long while.<br />
<br />
Truly, my spirit is reawakened<br />
<br />
Love Dance and all that Jazz<- teeheeAasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-23830277317095999482014-12-27T00:22:00.001+02:002014-12-27T00:22:55.827+02:00Here's to 2014<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghBSSJVQgQnY81P5o7s46aoO-eFkINs-NyMeMxWFkcyrCOysJNaUtXIoxWm3NrCIpSLlQFdBwwp5FVMSlkEjtLmJ-t-TyCuhyagCHAqxzr6XTq9C-vMZwuAc3ZVWAvad_r-QJbcQgvPHJG/s1600/IMG_6698.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghBSSJVQgQnY81P5o7s46aoO-eFkINs-NyMeMxWFkcyrCOysJNaUtXIoxWm3NrCIpSLlQFdBwwp5FVMSlkEjtLmJ-t-TyCuhyagCHAqxzr6XTq9C-vMZwuAc3ZVWAvad_r-QJbcQgvPHJG/s1600/IMG_6698.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a>I sought out to forget 2014 in its entirety. but inspite of the epic heartbreak I suffered. I learned so much<br />
<br />
My biggest lesson though, is no matter how well you think you plan. Allah is the ultimate planner<br />
I have no regrets, everything I have done has been my best attempt, and for the most part, thats all we can manage. This isnt the end of my journey, just some exceptionally windy bits.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
People:<br />
1. You can love someone so much and do nothing as they slip away, I wish my mom was still here, but God called her, and I don't question it. But I miss her<br />
2. Everyones journey is their own, no matter what your intention, some people have to find their way on their own<br />
3. Loving someone isn't always enough.<br />
<br />
<br />
Hearts:<br />
1. heartbreak is soul destroying<br />
2.Recovery is possible<br />
3. Embrace your vulnerablity<br />
<br />
Friends:<br />
1. Forgiveness is easier when you love someone<br />
2. Friends have big hearts, I couldn't have managed this last 7 months without them<br />
<br />
<br />
Family:<br />
I have a the love and support of a good, solid, loved family.<br />
My family is everything<br />
<br />
Me<br />
I lost 17kgs and here's to the next 20!I lost my head between grief and stress. Hopefully 2015 ushers in some clarity. I learnt to trust myself, be alone and to accept things.<br />
<br />
Here's to next year, and its adventures I trust and hope its good not just for me, but for everyone.<br />
<br />
Love and Light and in the words of the late but awesome Ridi Laher<br />
Onwards!<br />
<br />
From a broken-but-recovering Aasia<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-29163038802835844342014-11-17T22:23:00.001+02:002014-11-17T22:24:17.262+02:00feeling feelings and other emotionsYou know that treadmill feeling? You know, you're doing stuff but you're not getting anywhere in particular. What you are doing is treading water.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That's the feeling I am currently sitting with, but I'm also sitting with many feelings actually. One that keeps rearing its head is grief. So I sometimes spend nights crying myself to sleep and feel emotionally drained the next day. Its a stage I have to experience and complete when the time is right. I am not being self punitive nor will I expect better. This is who I am right now.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
While I have learnt to embrace the brokeness of my life right now. There is an urge to start planning my exit strategy. (not of life, if you were worried, just this chapter)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am restless and while I see changes around me. Someone I had my heart set on (stupid) is in a great place and is happy, and has fuck all to do with me. And I am trying to manage it and the rejection implied, with grace. [this right here ladies and gentlemen is my grown up reaction] I am in no space to willingly take someone else on board in my head right now.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am lonely (and wont do anything about it, reread the previous paragraph) and that's another feeling I am living with. I have great company and am amazed by the people who have chosen to call me friend and I theirs. one of these friends said I remind her of a dragonfly, not exactly my first choice of spirit animal. But read up on it; the sentiment is pretty profound</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> "<span style="background-color: #fefefe; color: #333333; font-family: Times; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.3;">The dragonfly totem carries the wisdom of transformation and adaptability in life. As </span><a href="http://www.spiritanimal.info/" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #1f7ad7; font-family: Times; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.3; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">spirit animal</a><span style="background-color: #fefefe; color: #333333; font-family: Times; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.3;">, the dragonfly is connected to the symbolism of change and light. When the dragonfly shows up in your life, it may remind you to bring a bit more lightness and joy into your life. Those who have this animal as totem may be inclined to delve deep into their emotions and shine their true colors."</span></span></blockquote>
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</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So while I may be overwhelmed with these feels and feelings. My biggest challenge is being ok not just with change but with the steep learning curve that is my life. and when my mind and heart is ready, I will let these feelings go too. </div>
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Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-48359159589038846162014-09-06T13:43:00.003+02:002014-09-06T13:45:21.078+02:00Home is where the heart (finds) easemy mission has always been to be happy with my lot in life. push the status quo, but be happy at every step, happy at any weight, happy in any place.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't have the same type of optimism I had when I was younger, but I still believe in life's ability to surprise. There is just so much joy to be found, if only we stopped staring at the dark patch on the wall.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am both happier and sadder than I have ever been. Renewing ties with people I thought I would lose forever and solidifying those I have. More at peace at the person I am, who still stops to check these days if she is crossing lines or overstepping. heartbreak and fear and being told that over and over, makes it hard to canon ball with enthusiasm but I hope I am still that.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Last night I was happier than I have been in a long while, and while sadness (like a cloud, sometimes light and too far to cast a shadow, other times like a full on Jo'burg thunderstorm, your like a cape town winter, silently threatening and darkening) wafts over these happy moments, and threatens what good will I have. I remind myself to step back, be kind and be grateful; at times the sheer size if my loss seems so vast, that I lose myself in a certain melancholy.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I suffer dreams and nightmares, both leave me wistful, and wishful for one more moment with my parents, or another hug from my family or just a simple nod and smile from someone who knows what I have been through to acknowledge the road I have walked.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
the range of emotions I experience these days are breath taking and scarier than I am used to. But I try to embrace the storm and wait for my mind to find its quietude again.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am a volatile, passionate woman, who will always wear her heart on her sleeve and I am thankful for the blessing that is my path. sometimes just sometimes, I wish I knew less.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For today, I long for my old definition of home.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHqbD5UJI1B7fwQRT6vzzPifwT8731_7ESsK27OEx5elQ1V8cEQolbGyv4KUK4iHBYdw_ROooELUeTiCTJVvHpM-XxzL5LdZuJ-q4QC9FQCAo9G3z0X34LCmkYeX8Lf8g24U1Vc-SXWSZO/s1600/20130809_180340_Richtone(HDR).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHqbD5UJI1B7fwQRT6vzzPifwT8731_7ESsK27OEx5elQ1V8cEQolbGyv4KUK4iHBYdw_ROooELUeTiCTJVvHpM-XxzL5LdZuJ-q4QC9FQCAo9G3z0X34LCmkYeX8Lf8g24U1Vc-SXWSZO/s1600/20130809_180340_Richtone(HDR).jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taken from my home in Eldos on Eid 2012</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-20565420617620572572014-08-27T13:24:00.001+02:002014-08-27T13:24:43.547+02:00my my how you've grownI never did mind growing up, I loved the idea of taking care of my self and being self sufficient.<br />
But I have travelled quite a colourful road. and have not emerged unscathed<br />
<br />
Not in the sense of im hurt and beat down, but that I am more aware of my life and my choices than I have ever been before. I am a woman of many contradictions and needs and wants and don't suffer fools any more.<br />
<br />
while I have a good idea of who I am and where I am going, there isn't an actual destination. The idea to to have something to work towards and being better. and search for love is always there.<br />
<br />
but I am not who I was 6 months ago, hell, Im not the same person I was 2 days ago. And Im ok.<br />
Standing still is for statues. And where is the adventure in that!Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-37667419406264087372014-08-13T16:08:00.000+02:002014-08-13T16:09:43.932+02:00My health fightSo we enter the second month of <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/welliamCHALLENGE?fref=ts" target="_blank">#wia100healthydays</a> and while the first month was a bust in terms of eating clean. I did try my best to keep my eating "sort-of" healthy</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">During Ramadaan and post that, I had to pack up my moms house, and the only thing that kept me from eating through my feelings was the fact that the house was a buidling site and everything was covered in dust. Which made it unappetising to even your biggest emotional eaters</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">While I didn't lose much, (2 kgs) I gave myself a high 5 for not weighing the same as my fridge. I did get a shit load of strength training, by sanding and plastering walls, painting etc.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13.333333969116211px;">But to get back into the swing of things, I signed up for the <a href="http://www.360training.co.za/30day-summer-body/" target="_blank">360 </a></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 19.91111183166504px;"><a href="http://www.360training.co.za/30day-summer-body/" target="_blank">30 Day Summer Body Program</a></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 19.91111183166504px;"> which was offered at just R99 for the month. This is in conjunction with my walks and Sunday stair climibing at Rhodes Memorial </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 19.91111183166504px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 19.91111183166504px;">I want to win the challenge, purely because right about now, I could do with a win!</span><br />
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Also on Tuesday 19th August we're having our first Well I chat on the Facebook page</div>
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Be there!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3QluIe4JtKr_DwjImFJ5sYrE-wEabAA0DxR7yicHth2RvM8BFADhSynlvOhUkRZNzrZIAaHLiXq4nALupzC4-IowZThBf5lxehyIW6p8ab7KH6zs1RC2ikXZOz9cD1xq1dkT-1PpD3pbI/s1600/AugustChat_v1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3QluIe4JtKr_DwjImFJ5sYrE-wEabAA0DxR7yicHth2RvM8BFADhSynlvOhUkRZNzrZIAaHLiXq4nALupzC4-IowZThBf5lxehyIW6p8ab7KH6zs1RC2ikXZOz9cD1xq1dkT-1PpD3pbI/s1600/AugustChat_v1.jpg" height="320" width="257" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.44444465637207px; line-height: 19.91111183166504px;"><br /></span>Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-48073463021760404572014-08-03T17:38:00.001+02:002014-08-03T17:40:01.665+02:00Ushering in AugustThis has been a tough year so far. I have learnt to embrace change and hold onto that fact tighter than anything else in the room.<br />
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I cant explain where my head is at right now, or where its been. My grief at times has seemed insurmountable, and my joys short lived. But yet here I am, carrying on.</div>
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I am in a state of change and not sure what's going to happen next. Its as if I've been on the merry-go-round and its spinning and the revolutions are slowing down enough that I can finally see a chance to step off. Which means I'm trying to control the crazy but doesn't mean I know what it is that I'm doing.</div>
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I took sometime off to sort out my old home life and while we got the house ready for tenants, I did have a few emotional moments. We basically neutralised my old home and well its just a house now.</div>
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I got back to CT yesterday and while this does seem to be my refuge right now. I am unsure of what the next year brings, my last few years have been about loss in many forms, friends, loved ones, ideas and trusts and hopefully it is all worth something in the end.</div>
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Right now, I just want to create a predictable home life and routine. I need predictable right now. And I also need to start vocalising things I need.</div>
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So here's to August, may it be the end of winter for me. and onward to Spring, Rebirth and Renewal</div>
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Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-90271916540768166282014-07-15T23:00:00.002+02:002014-07-15T23:00:47.280+02:00For Ridi, Muslim,Taoist, Fighter,FriendJune is a month that has been overshadowed by death and grieving and Ramadaan<div>
As I start coming to terms with my moms passing which has been a carnival ride on its own. </div>
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I search inwards and question upwards. A very good friend <a href="http://ridwanlaher.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Ridwan</a> called me when he heard the news and offered words of comfort as I knew her birthday was coming up on the 2nd of July. He spoke me off an emotional ledge that Sunday night and helped me cope. Nothing prepared me for the phone call on that <b>2nd July my moms 69th birthday</b>, from Ridi's colleagues to tell me that he succumbed to a heart attack on that very day. Allah grant him Jannah, he was an amazing man and I will sorely miss his counsel and witty remarks about life. We had a pact, that if by 2015 neither of us were married, we would marry each other. There was so much of him I saw in myself. and I will honour his memory by trying to be the woman he saw in me</div>
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Ridwan</div>
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<div class="aQq" email="ridwanlaher@gmail.com" oid="100567916579967338242" style="background-color: #cccccc; background-image: url(https://plus.google.com/u/0/_/focus/photos/private/AIbEiAIAAABDCIKOiNjto-nwByILdmNhcmRfcGhvdG8qKGRlODUyYjdhY2E5NDA0OTdiOWE0ZTg1NTY4OGY3NWRhYjMxYWNlM2MwAXL7d7-0GczaigWQu49LyQkHsfwd?sz=32); background-repeat: no-repeat; height: 32px; width: 32px;" title="Ridwan">
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wonderful<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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you are following your river<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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it flows freely when you untangle<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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and the hard times become good times<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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eventually<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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the duality of life<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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<span email="aasiaf@gmail.com" oid="102986831115115576086">Aasia Fredericks</span></div>
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<div class="aQq" email="aasiaf@gmail.com" oid="102986831115115576086" style="background-color: #cccccc; background-image: url(https://plus.google.com/u/0/_/focus/photos/public/AIbEiAIAAABDCJb2sKSw4ta5KSILdmNhcmRfcGhvdG8qKGUyZDRlMjVjZGZlZDI2MDU1NzUxMzFkNTdmODZlZDJkYjIyMDM3ZGQwAUZcvReowNKXayq1BIb50lv2TRr7?sz=32); background-repeat: no-repeat; height: 32px; width: 32px;" title="Aasia Fredericks">
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yin and yang<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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<span email="ridwanlaher@gmail.com" oid="100567916579967338242">Ridwan</span></div>
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<div class="aQq" email="ridwanlaher@gmail.com" oid="100567916579967338242" style="background-color: #cccccc; background-image: url(https://plus.google.com/u/0/_/focus/photos/private/AIbEiAIAAABDCIKOiNjto-nwByILdmNhcmRfcGhvdG8qKGRlODUyYjdhY2E5NDA0OTdiOWE0ZTg1NTY4OGY3NWRhYjMxYWNlM2MwAXL7d7-0GczaigWQu49LyQkHsfwd?sz=32); background-repeat: no-repeat; height: 32px; width: 32px;" title="Ridwan">
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we have because at time we are without<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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true<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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won't know up<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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if there is no down<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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the balance is treating both the same<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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the hard part is to do that<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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good and bad are just the same thing<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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being indifferent is the hard part</div>
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You are a kind human being<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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Keep pressing the good fight<span class="aSy" style="-webkit-user-select: none; color: #999999; font-size: 11px; padding-left: 1em; visibility: hidden;"></span></div>
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It is worth it all</div>
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Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3999331537743560117.post-71047063581744784932014-06-25T12:17:00.001+02:002014-06-25T12:17:45.374+02:00Its not that I am ungrateful<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Its a month that you're gone today. I can't even believe it.</div>
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I miss you</div>
<br />Aasiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604021473009587190noreply@blogger.com2