Simply Aasia

I've always been the good girl, the well behaved -its-the-right-thing-to-do girl. And somewhere along the lines, I got tired of it. I have lived my life out of fear. Fear that I wouldn't be enough, that I'd be too much, that I wouldn't crack it. My fear has taken many forms, people pleaseing, the mediator, the fence sitter and ofcourse the constant need for external validation. Now I sit here and I have taken my first "no take backs" adult steps.  And the world didn't crumble. While I am still fighting the internal fight with my old self. I have to constantly remind myself to be brave and bold because I am looking for a different outcome. So go on, be brave and do something that scares the shit out of you

I have struggled over the last few months, to find something positive to write to about. I have been uninspired and couldn't be arsed about anything. I wanted to write but genuinely didn't want to put any more negative thoughts into the world and really well I needed a boost of some sort, Anyone who knew me as a kid, knew I couldn't stand still. I needed to move and dance and I genuinely communicated through interpretive dance. It drove my mom crazy I don't know if I lost that creative spark, or if by becoming more serious, but those random bursts of movement became less and less over the last 15 years (sad hey?) I then saw this article on a friends FB wall and I thought, maybe if I started dancing again, I would have the energy to return to gym and refocus my health efforts. It did so much more. From the time I stepped back into the Salsa class (which while it was recommended I buy dancing shoes, I was like err yeah lets see how the first month goes) ha! a...

I sought out to forget 2014 in its entirety. but inspite of the epic heartbreak I suffered. I learned so much My biggest lesson though, is no matter how well you think you plan. Allah is the ultimate planner I have no regrets, everything I have done has been my best attempt, and for the most part, thats all we can manage.  This isnt the end of my journey, just some exceptionally windy bits. People: 1. You can love someone so much and do nothing as they slip away,  I wish my mom was still here, but God called her, and I don't question it. But I miss her 2. Everyones journey is their own, no matter what your intention, some people have to find their way on their own 3. Loving someone isn't always enough. Hearts: 1. heartbreak is soul destroying 2.Recovery is possible 3. Embrace your vulnerablity Friends: 1. Forgiveness is easier when you love someone 2. Friends have big hearts, I couldn't have managed this last 7 months without them Family: I have a...

This has been a tough year so far. I have learnt to embrace change and hold onto that fact tighter than anything else in the room. I cant explain where my head is at right now, or where its been. My grief at times has seemed insurmountable, and my joys short lived. But yet here I am, carrying on. I am in a state of change and not sure what's going to happen next. Its as if I've been on the merry-go-round and its spinning and the revolutions are slowing down enough that I can finally see a chance to step off. Which means I'm trying to control the crazy but doesn't mean I know what it is that I'm doing. I took sometime off to sort out my old home life and while we got the house ready for tenants, I did have a few emotional moments. We basically neutralised my old home and well its just a house now. I got back to CT yesterday and while this does seem to be my refuge right now. I am unsure of what the next year brings, my last few years have been about l...

No matter how they try to make you feel otherwise. Your cracks are what make you beautiful. Your journeys,your stories, your joy and your pain Its how you fill the cracks that are most interesting Sometimes we forget that unscathed is overrated. Love yourself enough to know that you're pretty damn spectacular.

I feel pretty 10kgs in 3 months October 2013 January 2014

Standing here on the edge of the road Looking for nothing more than a moment with you finding love and having it, is apparently not the same thing I found it and look at it with great care and devotion but love hasn't found me, I sit and dream about what it will be like when you finally see me and realise who I am to you but I am too old for fantasy and games so I try to carry on with a like filled fully with random activities and outings and say see, I am carrying on in SPITE of you but in truth I wait and probably will Forever

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross This I Like!

In a conversation with fellow blogger Ridi  we were talking about old fashioned values and what we're afraid of. Fear: People are not necessarily racist but we're all arseholes, trying to differentiate ourselves from each other. even if that means condescending. We're lonely, even when we have lovers,spouses and friends. Kindness:  we don't practice this often enough, with ourselves or with others, the constant voice in our head berating our efforts is louder than the compassionate response of " I tried so hard" Following the river:  it is a metaphor for seeing purpose in nature and living inside of nature <- is what he said. Such a clever chap. but its more than that, its walking away from the complications and simplifying your life. My moving to CapeTown in a month: Its my own return to nature, to the soil, because its where we have come from and to where we will return. CT is my river that I am following, as I try to untangle the roots of my life...

I wanted to count my blessings. Because over the last couple of months, I have had it pretty tough. I don't mean, "I am so sad and I am not sure what to do with my life" tough I mean illness, recovery and rehabilitation. Over the last few months everyone in my house has been hospitalised for something or the other. It wasn't until my mom got really ill end of March and just never recovered. and I didn't think much of it, she's getting older and her body more fragile. It wasn't until she couldn't walk or sit or clean herself, that I realised I was in trouble. this didn't happen over night, she just got out of bed, less and less and stopped talking less and less. As a Bipolar sufferer I put it down to a bout of depression that she couldn't shake. because of her loss of mobility, I have been walking her to and from the bathroom and eventually bedpan every 3 hours. My job was the night shift, because my brother was with her all day. Between ...

In the absolute quiet that surrounds me my grief crippling me Speaking to God in urgent whispers and panicked breathing Pleading for a sign For a moment when it wouldn't hurt and then you called. The realisation that when talking to God he listened.

Nafisa and I both did July lists and she beat me to the punch for August. 1.  After 6 months of renovation both inside and outside.  My favourite room in the house has to be the lounge/dining room purely for the colour choice Its Plascon cool spring  and the pictures by Jeanette 2.  Another wonderful addition to my "artwork collection" from the easel of   Shameema . I love the colours and she doesn't . (Terrible picture, I apologise it doesn't do the colours justice) 3. Finally a plus size section worth noting!! Yes there aren't many items, but a big jump from the old, "ouma" clothing available most places. You have no idea how long I have agonised this point. Mr Price Online  not only did it make shopping for my Eid clothes stress free. The Easy user interface and speedy delivery will make me come back. These are 2 of the 5 items I bought online. And they fit PERFECTLY 4. Ramadaan Photo a day Although you can b...

And the rest of us sizeable creatures are anomalies. I am I had some pics taken yesterday with my friends and noticed that not only am I larger but the size difference is really big! I am not at a point where I can write unemotionally or unbiased about my looks and weight. But although there is still much venom, disdain and venom reflected at my image from me. I can't help but note that my friends love me enough to support me as is, and not a perception of what others want to see. More importantly I have fun with them and they dona't judge me. Thanks to Jenty  for the pics. Thanks to Bumpy for the tutu's! They are amazing To Kellen , Zahira , Denielle , Nafisa and Red John  So happy 30th old hag! you look utterly ridiculous  and totally happy! Guess which one I am? [yes, the bitch ruling the roost!]