Simply Aasia

So while I have been on a downer of note these last few months. Dreamlife asked me to complete the questionnaire below 1. Why did you start your blog and does it fulfill that purpose. I wanted to have a voice online, specifically because finding someone I could relate to was so hard. In hopes that someone else stuck between things would find something they could relate to. I don't know if it fulfills that purposed anymore, and more just a soap box that I can let things out. 2. Whats your favourite post of all time. (your own work please) http://aasiaf.blogspot.co.za/2012/06/lifes-work-and-ambition.html a reminder of who I wanted to be. 3. If you could meet 3 people living or dead who would they be. - My great great great great grandfather on my dads side, An Afghani pathan who found himself in SA and kidnap a norwegian woman and made her his wife. - I need the full story - Then my  great grandfather mom side, who was an off the boat indian from Surat who took ...

No matter how much I overcome, or how much I endure There always seems to be more venom than there is a cure I can't keep at it, this continuous struggle that's not real, but my reality No matter how many of my demons I slay, I have to fight and fight new foes, new days. Ya Allah, why is the first thing that leaves me, is my faith? Why is that the hard part. People who usually talk about Tawakkul, don't know anything about the trouble and struggle of what it is. What world is it, that we will live in, that allows people to play with others fate Who don't have the emotional maturity to look for context. To hate me because Im a misfit.(misfit is the excuse) Maybe because Im not thin. or don't belong to the same clubs Or maybe you just don't like a large brown woman telling you what to do. Maybe you're the douche bag, but now it's me who must fight, I don't WANT to, but I will HAVE to

I'm actually so hesitant to post this because I know some people will want more than I am prepared to give, say or do. But I can't be silent not so much about whats happened, but what I discovered about myself in the process. The thing that happened: I usually offer my services in digital marketing for free for fundraisers and people who do community work. So when a local religious (sheigh) leader asked to meet me to discuss a project. I thought nothing of it. I've met with plenty of them to know how to conduct myself. Side Note : as someone who has recently embraced Hijab, I understand there is additional scrutiny on how I conduct myself in muslim restaurants, especially with local scholars/leaders Flag 1 : said sheigh pitched up in casual clothes and I could smell the cologne on him and could see he had recently shaved and groomed. This made me nervous because the first thing he remarked on was how pretty I was. Flag 2 : he kept asking me, how long I was prep...

The beautiful scary thing is hidden away. Its sheer power to change who I am frightens me and gives me bravado to be myself, unapologetically. Every time I want to take this beautiful scary thing out and show it to the world, I know the world and I are just not ready. So back into the deep dark recess I keep you there, the beautiful scary thing, where I will visit you often and shine a bright light on you and love you and nurture you. That's when I realise, its not my job to present the beautiful scary thing to the world. That is for itself to decide. So I sit here waiting in anticipation for that day to come and I can announce to the world. I have loved you, beautiful scary thing, from the day I met you.

Takes a breathe lets go of the safe harbour spiralling into the depths Heart is strong but afraid Head keeps looking  back but can't turn around this,is.it

Do you know you're drowning? Can you even tell,  or like a slow boiled crustacean who is none the wiser to its surroundings Will you slowly be killed, suffocated and not even realise you could have just moved.

I've always been the good girl, the well behaved -its-the-right-thing-to-do girl. And somewhere along the lines, I got tired of it. I have lived my life out of fear. Fear that I wouldn't be enough, that I'd be too much, that I wouldn't crack it. My fear has taken many forms, people pleaseing, the mediator, the fence sitter and ofcourse the constant need for external validation. Now I sit here and I have taken my first "no take backs" adult steps.  And the world didn't crumble. While I am still fighting the internal fight with my old self. I have to constantly remind myself to be brave and bold because I am looking for a different outcome. So go on, be brave and do something that scares the shit out of you