I don't have the same type of optimism I had when I was younger, but I still believe in life's ability to surprise. There is just so much joy to be found, if only we stopped staring at the dark patch on the wall.
I am both happier and sadder than I have ever been. Renewing ties with people I thought I would lose forever and solidifying those I have. More at peace at the person I am, who still stops to check these days if she is crossing lines or overstepping. heartbreak and fear and being told that over and over, makes it hard to canon ball with enthusiasm but I hope I am still that.
Last night I was happier than I have been in a long while, and while sadness (like a cloud, sometimes light and too far to cast a shadow, other times like a full on Jo'burg thunderstorm, your like a cape town winter, silently threatening and darkening) wafts over these happy moments, and threatens what good will I have. I remind myself to step back, be kind and be grateful; at times the sheer size if my loss seems so vast, that I lose myself in a certain melancholy.
I suffer dreams and nightmares, both leave me wistful, and wishful for one more moment with my parents, or another hug from my family or just a simple nod and smile from someone who knows what I have been through to acknowledge the road I have walked.
the range of emotions I experience these days are breath taking and scarier than I am used to. But I try to embrace the storm and wait for my mind to find its quietude again.
I am a volatile, passionate woman, who will always wear her heart on her sleeve and I am thankful for the blessing that is my path. sometimes just sometimes, I wish I knew less.
For today, I long for my old definition of home.
|Taken from my home in Eldos on Eid 2012|