Simply Aasia

You know that treadmill feeling? You know, you're doing stuff but you're not getting anywhere in particular. What you are doing is treading water. That's the feeling I am currently sitting with, but I'm also sitting with many feelings actually. One that keeps rearing its head is grief. So I sometimes spend nights crying myself to sleep and feel emotionally drained the next day. Its a stage I have to experience and complete when the time is right. I am not being self punitive nor will I expect better. This is who I am right now. While I have learnt to embrace the brokeness of my life right now. There is an urge to start planning my exit strategy. (not of life, if you were worried, just this chapter) I am restless and while I see changes around me. Someone I had my heart set on (stupid) is in a great place and is happy, and has fuck all to do with me. And I am trying to manage it and the rejection implied, with grace. [this right here ladies and gentlemen is m...

This has been a tough year so far. I have learnt to embrace change and hold onto that fact tighter than anything else in the room. I cant explain where my head is at right now, or where its been. My grief at times has seemed insurmountable, and my joys short lived. But yet here I am, carrying on. I am in a state of change and not sure what's going to happen next. Its as if I've been on the merry-go-round and its spinning and the revolutions are slowing down enough that I can finally see a chance to step off. Which means I'm trying to control the crazy but doesn't mean I know what it is that I'm doing. I took sometime off to sort out my old home life and while we got the house ready for tenants, I did have a few emotional moments. We basically neutralised my old home and well its just a house now. I got back to CT yesterday and while this does seem to be my refuge right now. I am unsure of what the next year brings, my last few years have been about l...

So I don't want to grumble but I am exhausted (thats a fact btw) So tired I fell and hit my head on the toilet (not too bad) because I seem to be ok But I don't know if its just tiredness or what but to be honest but today I i found myself yearning for a little person of my own. That is all... oh and a person to make a little person with

No matter how they try to make you feel otherwise. Your cracks are what make you beautiful. Your journeys,your stories, your joy and your pain Its how you fill the cracks that are most interesting Sometimes we forget that unscathed is overrated. Love yourself enough to know that you're pretty damn spectacular.

I nearly crapped myself yesterday, while the year has just started. I freaked out about what I would have to do this year. and was so overwhelmed by the decisions and big things I would have to do I cried while walking and i cried while swimming and I cried while doing downward dog, I was too afraid to leave the gym out of a fear that I would just cry if another human approached me... it was a weird 3 hours at the gym Success is the ability to move from one failure to the next with enthusiasm. - Winston Churchhill I want so much more from this year, as the last 2 years is littered with more failures than great stories, and I just realised if I wanted life to give me a break, I'm going to have to punch it in the nuts and make it give me the break. I I have to make my own breaks and I am going to have to work fucking hard to get to where I want to be. So while i spend the next year getting an identity for myself, and an opinion of my own. I want to remember and pra...

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross This I Like!

In a conversation with fellow blogger Ridi  we were talking about old fashioned values and what we're afraid of. Fear: People are not necessarily racist but we're all arseholes, trying to differentiate ourselves from each other. even if that means condescending. We're lonely, even when we have lovers,spouses and friends. Kindness:  we don't practice this often enough, with ourselves or with others, the constant voice in our head berating our efforts is louder than the compassionate response of " I tried so hard" Following the river:  it is a metaphor for seeing purpose in nature and living inside of nature <- is what he said. Such a clever chap. but its more than that, its walking away from the complications and simplifying your life. My moving to CapeTown in a month: Its my own return to nature, to the soil, because its where we have come from and to where we will return. CT is my river that I am following, as I try to untangle the roots of my life...

I been fortunate to have been in some awe-inspiring company lately. More than just inspired it has forced me to think about my choices and my future. When I asked one guy, why we feel pressure from our peers to conform or have a certain life, he said "Change your peers" that simple. Winds of change are sweeping once again and hopefully I make better choices this time around. Ye like the new layout?

I wanted to count my blessings. Because over the last couple of months, I have had it pretty tough. I don't mean, "I am so sad and I am not sure what to do with my life" tough I mean illness, recovery and rehabilitation. Over the last few months everyone in my house has been hospitalised for something or the other. It wasn't until my mom got really ill end of March and just never recovered. and I didn't think much of it, she's getting older and her body more fragile. It wasn't until she couldn't walk or sit or clean herself, that I realised I was in trouble. this didn't happen over night, she just got out of bed, less and less and stopped talking less and less. As a Bipolar sufferer I put it down to a bout of depression that she couldn't shake. because of her loss of mobility, I have been walking her to and from the bathroom and eventually bedpan every 3 hours. My job was the night shift, because my brother was with her all day. Between ...

In the absolute quiet that surrounds me my grief crippling me Speaking to God in urgent whispers and panicked breathing Pleading for a sign For a moment when it wouldn't hurt and then you called. The realisation that when talking to God he listened.

On the 18th of September just after one I got the call. THAT call to say Cancer claimed my friend. I rushed to Donald Gordon and held my other sisters as we wept for her. Why we wept I am not sure, the fact that a heart attack claimed her, that it was too soon, that she was no longer in pain? Maybe for them all. I thought about her beautiful kids she left behind and the enormous responsibility for us to love them, to remind them and to protect them. I was sad that she would never see Cape Town again, the one place we both wanted to move to. But thats where her ashes will be scattered. But I didn't write this post to mourn her, instead I want to tell you about the woman she was, and her lessons she taught me. Grace - no matter the hate, the anger  or the hurdles. She taught me to carry myself with grace, not because of how other people are. Because it was how I should carry myself. Zen -   She taught me about not sweating the small stuff and how to be at Peace...

So Mukhtar  started his blog about 3 weeks ago. I know this because so far he is pacing himself with blogging and sticking to one post a week. Anyhoo I decided to try his Tom Yum Soup Recipe  sans cherry tomatoes, as my mom can't really have any, but I did cheat and use a bit of tomato paste.  I thought it would be pretty complicated, but it wasn't. The end result was pretty spectacular, and the pot was empty. So Kudos to M for making thai so easy. And Nafisa also decided to do it, with pretty awesome results. Bon appetit!

I was so excited that Sham was finally coming to Joburg and thought the best way to tell the story was the way I remembered it, through the food we planned to eat, did eat and wanted to eat but were too full! Before you go any further, if you don't know who Sham is, you can fuck right off at this point. Because you should have clicked at the link above, saw her stuff and then kick yerself for not meeting her. and then proceed to read the rest of this blog in emerald shade of jealous green. T-3 days till #shaminjhb happened, I offered my services for the day to show them around. We knew it was a limited time frame because of the time they were coming in and also a braai that night, had to be prepped for. So we spoke about food, because well, food moves me. Decided we have to get samoosas for our walk about in the CBD, yes nay-saying joburgers the actual CBD. But first the samoosa's, "World of Samoosas " in the plaza was the only place one should ever buy samoo...