Monday, November 17, 2014

feeling feelings and other emotions

You know that treadmill feeling? You know, you're doing stuff but you're not getting anywhere in particular. What you are doing is treading water.

That's the feeling I am currently sitting with, but I'm also sitting with many feelings actually. One that keeps rearing its head is grief. So I sometimes spend nights crying myself to sleep and feel emotionally drained the next day. Its a stage I have to experience and complete when the time is right. I am not being self punitive nor will I expect better. This is who I am right now.

While I have learnt to embrace the brokeness of my life right now. There is an urge to start planning my exit strategy. (not of life, if you were worried, just this chapter)

I am restless and while I see changes around me. Someone I had my heart set on (stupid) is in a great place and is happy, and has fuck all to do with me. And I am trying to manage it and the rejection implied, with grace. [this right here ladies and gentlemen is my grown up reaction] I am in no space to willingly take someone else on board in my head right now.

I am lonely (and wont do anything about it, reread the previous paragraph) and that's another feeling I am living with. I have great company and am amazed by the people who have chosen to call me friend and I theirs. one of these friends said I remind her of a dragonfly, not exactly my first choice of spirit animal. But read up on it; the sentiment is pretty profound
 "The dragonfly totem carries the wisdom of transformation and adaptability in life. As spirit animal, the dragonfly is connected to the symbolism of change and light. When the dragonfly shows up in your life, it may remind you to bring a bit more lightness and joy into your life. Those who have this animal as totem may be inclined to delve deep into their emotions and shine their true colors."

So while I may be overwhelmed with these feels and feelings. My biggest challenge is being ok not just with change but with the steep learning curve that is my life. and when my mind and heart is ready, I will let these feelings go too. 


Saturday, September 6, 2014

Home is where the heart (finds) ease

my mission has always been to be happy with my lot in life. push the status quo, but be happy at every step, happy at any weight, happy in any place.

I don't have the same type of optimism I had when I was younger, but I still believe in life's ability to surprise. There is just so much joy to be found, if only we stopped staring at the dark patch on the wall.

I am both happier and sadder than I have ever been. Renewing ties with people I thought I would lose forever and solidifying those I have. More at peace at the person I am, who still stops to check these days if she is crossing lines or overstepping. heartbreak and fear and being told that over and over, makes it hard to canon ball with enthusiasm but I hope I am still that.

Last night I was happier than I have been in a long while, and while sadness  (like a cloud, sometimes light and too far to cast a shadow, other times like a full on Jo'burg thunderstorm, your like a cape town winter, silently threatening and darkening) wafts over these happy moments, and threatens what good will I have. I remind myself to step back, be kind and be grateful; at times the sheer size if my loss seems so vast, that I lose myself in a certain melancholy.

I suffer dreams and nightmares, both leave me wistful, and wishful for one more moment with my parents, or another hug from my family or just a simple nod and smile from someone who knows what I have been through to acknowledge the road I have walked.

the range of emotions I experience these days are breath taking and scarier than I am used to. But I try to embrace the storm and wait for my mind to find its quietude again.

I am a volatile, passionate woman, who will always wear her heart on her sleeve and I am thankful for the blessing that is my path. sometimes just sometimes, I wish I knew less.

For today, I long for my old definition of home.

Taken from my home in Eldos on Eid 2012

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

my my how you've grown

I never did mind growing up, I loved the idea of taking care of my self and being self sufficient.
But I have travelled quite a colourful road. and have not emerged unscathed

Not in the sense of im hurt and beat down, but that I am more aware of my life and my choices than I have ever been before. I am a woman of many contradictions and needs and wants and don't suffer fools any more.

while I have a good idea of who I am and where I am going, there isn't an actual destination. The idea to to have something to work towards and being better. and search for love is always there.

but I am not who I was 6 months ago, hell, Im not the same person I was 2 days ago. And Im ok.
Standing still is for statues. And where is the adventure in that!