Sunday, February 22, 2015

For the love of something

I have struggled over the last few months, to find something positive to write to about.
I have been uninspired and couldn't be arsed about anything.

I wanted to write but genuinely didn't want to put any more negative thoughts into the world and really well I needed a boost of some sort,

Anyone who knew me as a kid, knew I couldn't stand still. I needed to move and dance and I genuinely communicated through interpretive dance. It drove my mom crazy

I don't know if I lost that creative spark, or if by becoming more serious, but those random bursts of movement became less and less over the last 15 years (sad hey?)

I then saw this article on a friends FB wall and I thought, maybe if I started dancing again, I would have the energy to return to gym and refocus my health efforts.

It did so much more. From the time I stepped back into the Salsa class (which while it was recommended I buy dancing shoes, I was like err yeah lets see how the first month goes)
ha! after 2 classes , I feel the tetonic shift in me and didn't even realise it.

My first inkling was a week ago when I heard a random song on the radio in the office, stood up, did a quick 2 step, twirled and sat down. A colleague looked at me, as if I had pulled out a machete, but yes, small burst of creative energy and my afternoon changed. I was reenergised.

Tonight, we went to the grandwhite dinner, which I thought was going to be moer pretentious and very high brow, Far from it! The DJ played everything, from Shabba Ranks, to Bob Marley and even Pitbull and I.could.not.sit.still https://instagram.com/p/zYMzGqOv5O/?modal=true


I have not felt this alive or this free in a long while.

Truly, my spirit is reawakened

Love Dance and all that Jazz<- teehee

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Here's to 2014

I sought out to forget 2014 in its entirety. but inspite of the epic heartbreak I suffered. I learned so much

My biggest lesson though, is no matter how well you think you plan. Allah is the ultimate planner
I have no regrets, everything I have done has been my best attempt, and for the most part, thats all we can manage.  This isnt the end of my journey, just some exceptionally windy bits.




People:
1. You can love someone so much and do nothing as they slip away,  I wish my mom was still here, but God called her, and I don't question it. But I miss her
2. Everyones journey is their own, no matter what your intention, some people have to find their way on their own
3. Loving someone isn't always enough.


Hearts:
1. heartbreak is soul destroying
2.Recovery is possible
3. Embrace your vulnerablity

Friends:
1. Forgiveness is easier when you love someone
2. Friends have big hearts, I couldn't have managed this last 7 months without them


Family:
I have a the love and support of a  good, solid, loved family.
My family is everything

Me
I  lost 17kgs and here's to the next 20!I lost my head between grief and stress. Hopefully 2015 ushers in some clarity. I learnt to trust myself, be alone and to accept things.

Here's to next year, and its adventures I trust and hope its good not just for me, but for everyone.

Love and Light and in the words of the late but awesome Ridi Laher
Onwards!

From a broken-but-recovering Aasia







Monday, November 17, 2014

feeling feelings and other emotions

You know that treadmill feeling? You know, you're doing stuff but you're not getting anywhere in particular. What you are doing is treading water.

That's the feeling I am currently sitting with, but I'm also sitting with many feelings actually. One that keeps rearing its head is grief. So I sometimes spend nights crying myself to sleep and feel emotionally drained the next day. Its a stage I have to experience and complete when the time is right. I am not being self punitive nor will I expect better. This is who I am right now.

While I have learnt to embrace the brokeness of my life right now. There is an urge to start planning my exit strategy. (not of life, if you were worried, just this chapter)

I am restless and while I see changes around me. Someone I had my heart set on (stupid) is in a great place and is happy, and has fuck all to do with me. And I am trying to manage it and the rejection implied, with grace. [this right here ladies and gentlemen is my grown up reaction] I am in no space to willingly take someone else on board in my head right now.

I am lonely (and wont do anything about it, reread the previous paragraph) and that's another feeling I am living with. I have great company and am amazed by the people who have chosen to call me friend and I theirs. one of these friends said I remind her of a dragonfly, not exactly my first choice of spirit animal. But read up on it; the sentiment is pretty profound
 "The dragonfly totem carries the wisdom of transformation and adaptability in life. As spirit animal, the dragonfly is connected to the symbolism of change and light. When the dragonfly shows up in your life, it may remind you to bring a bit more lightness and joy into your life. Those who have this animal as totem may be inclined to delve deep into their emotions and shine their true colors."

So while I may be overwhelmed with these feels and feelings. My biggest challenge is being ok not just with change but with the steep learning curve that is my life. and when my mind and heart is ready, I will let these feelings go too.