so tired

I've been struggling to articulate exactly how I have been feeling of late.
Tired is the first word but it's not really the word I was looking for.

I keep seeing everyone and I mean everyone trying to apply their brand or version of Islam on all of us. And I keep thinking, we aren't the same.

It's the thing we disparage news outlets for, we aren't all the same type of believer. And my halaal: Haraam ratio might be different to yours, but does that mean we're the same or that we're different? Well to be fair, it's both. We're both sinning, we're just sinning differently.

Let me tell you about life, it will beat you down, with health, wealth and mental load. And every beating has made me kinder in many regards but harsher in others.

I used to believe that I was put on this earth to help. whether I was thanked or not. (how little did I think of myself?) What utter rubbish!  When I had oodles of time and energy, it didn't matter. But my time matters more now. Who I spend it on, must mean something to me.  If you're someone who is around to be an audience member and won't actively participate in my life. Then don't be surprised when I no longer lean in.

Life is too short to bitch about others, mocking who they are and how they live and love. If that still interests you, level up or not. It's your decision. But I don't have to stick around and watch it.

I know what is precious for me, authentic, real, and ugly emotions and the people they're wrapped in.  I would rather sit alone than wag my tongue.

Im so tired.