Monday, March 20, 2017

Adversity and Adversary

No matter how much I overcome,
or how much I endure

There always seems to be more venom
than there is a cure

I can't keep at it, this continuous struggle that's not real, but my reality
No matter how many of my demons I slay,
I have to fight and fight
new foes, new days.

Ya Allah, why is the first thing that leaves me, is my faith?
Why is that the hard part.

People who usually talk about Tawakkul, don't know anything about
the trouble and struggle of what it is.

What world is it, that we will live in, that allows people to play with others fate
Who don't have the emotional maturity to look for context.
To hate me because Im a misfit.(misfit is the excuse)
Maybe because Im not thin. or don't belong to the same clubs
Or maybe you just don't like a large brown woman telling you what to do.

Maybe you're the douche bag, but now it's me who must fight,
I don't WANT to, but I will HAVE to

Monday, January 23, 2017

What the F**k just happened?

I'm actually so hesitant to post this because I know some people will want more than I am prepared to give, say or do.

But I can't be silent not so much about whats happened, but what I discovered about myself in the process.

The thing that happened:


I usually offer my services in digital marketing for free for fundraisers and people who do community work. So when a local religious (sheigh) leader asked to meet me to discuss a project. I thought nothing of it. I've met with plenty of them to know how to conduct myself.

Side Note: as someone who has recently embraced Hijab, I understand there is additional scrutiny on how I conduct myself in muslim restaurants, especially with local scholars/leaders

Flag 1: said sheigh pitched up in casual clothes and I could smell the cologne on him and could see he had recently shaved and groomed. This made me nervous because the first thing he remarked on was how pretty I was.

Flag 2: he kept asking me, how long I was prepared to stay there with him and once we were done with the meeting, would I take a drive with him to get dessert [ I have met many local Shuyook and have NEVER ever had this experience before]

At this point of the day, I was pretty uncomfortable, but stayed because I thought I was reading to much into things. because you know why should fat girls in abayas in scarves ever think that they'd be hit on ( my self worth is up for discussion on another day)

at this point, the way this man is looking at me, I am suddenly under no illussion about what this meeting was about. Offering me free trips and other payments/

I wait for him to leave the restaurant first and hide out in the loo until I think the coast is clear (This bit of paranoia was after him asking me what kind of car I drove and where I would be going to next)

I then make a hasty exit and go to a good friend.

Later that night, he messaged me to say, he'd like to meet again and hopefully won't be so "toe-gestiek" less conservatively dressed and that he owes me dessert (this last line actually made me vom)


Where my head is at

I am usually pretty forceful and quick to call out bullshit. So why was this so different for me? Why didn't I stand up and walk out as soon as I was uncomfortable?
For someone a local politician called belligerent, I could barely string a few sentences togethter to even explain what I felt.

I was violated, I was made to feel like a piece of meat and worse I couldn't udnertand WHAT I HAD DONE to make this man think he could treat me this way.

I was so mad at myself, for a being in that situation and for not speaking up about it. In my mind I was exempt from this kind of behaviour because of my size. FUCK ME was I wrong.

Im still pretty screwed up about this, and still dealing with it. But does this qualify as sexual abuse?because nothing actually happened aside from a married muslim sheigh hitting on me and assuming I was ok with it.

I won't be doing anything right now about this, except that I have blocked said guy from contacting me.

What the fuck do I do now?

disclaimer: I have had the honour of meeting some amazing scholars, sheighs and Imams and enjoy great relationships with them. and by no means do I assume that they're all the same