Monday, December 9, 2013

Ntate Madiba

To the man and the father
to the nation he inspired

to the workers and haters who practiced tolerance
saw hate and raised love

to the work he did and the bridges he crossed
even those who could have burned

to the nation he forgave and didn't ask for it
to the doors he opened
and the ceilings he removed

and forced a people to look in the mirror and learn to love their flaws

to every child who was old enough to feel the transition and
who got to meet him.

We're part of his legend.

The responsibility is ours to carry forward.

Make the difference everyday especially when no one is watching

Nelson Rohihlahla Mandela

18 July 1918 - 5 December 2013

You will live forever through love and tolerance

Do you even see me?

Standing here on the edge of the road
Looking for nothing more than a moment with you

finding love and having it, is apparently not the same thing
I found it and look at it with great care and devotion

but love hasn't found me, I sit and dream about what it will be like
when you finally see me and realise who I am to you

but I am too old for fantasy and games so I try to carry on
with a like filled fully with random activities and outings
and say see, I am carrying on in SPITE of you

but in truth

I wait

and probably will

Forever

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Cape town and where I am at

This is me, on the balcony of the flat I live in, How friggin gorgeous is that view?
Also its going to be hard moving to the burbs when the time comes.

My first 2 weeks in Cape Town have been surreal and wonderful and scary, all at the same time.
The lead up to CT wasn't as great as I would have liked but we can't win at everything.

The weekend before I left, I met up with Azra and we had a fun few hours that Saturday, It was hot and I was so thirsty, the problem though, I left so late I couldn't see so well.

The sunday when my vision still hadn't cleared, I knew something was up. Finally on Monday I went to the doc, and he confirmed my worse fear, I was diabetic and my blood glucose had spiked to 29.6.
Anyone familiar with this illness knows I was 5 points short of a coma.

Anyhoo thats me, yin and yang all the damn time.

How are you?

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Beautiful people do not just happen

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

This I Like!


Monday, October 7, 2013

Following Rivers

In a conversation with fellow blogger Ridi we were talking about old fashioned values and what we're afraid of.

Fear: People are not necessarily racist but we're all arseholes, trying to differentiate ourselves from each other. even if that means condescending. We're lonely, even when we have lovers,spouses and friends.

Kindness:  we don't practice this often enough, with ourselves or with others, the constant voice in our head berating our efforts is louder than the compassionate response of " I tried so hard"

Following the river: it is a metaphor for seeing purpose in nature and living inside of nature <- is what he said. Such a clever chap. but its more than that, its walking away from the complications and simplifying your life.

My moving to CapeTown in a month: Its my own return to nature, to the soil, because its where we have come from and to where we will return. CT is my river that I am following, as I try to untangle the roots of my life. My relationships, to people, things, money and successes, is the next step in my journey.

My life is in God's hands ultimately. And through his grace I found forgiveness for myself, and for those who hurt me (and I caused hurt too) is that I have learnt. Learning was the lesson. not the moral of the story.

I haven't stagnated, I paused, I strategised and now I engage 



Thank you Prof (ex) for helping me see the lessons

xx

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Can I have a minute

to talk about things, that don't always make sense.
So wishful thinking and romanticising the past. 

To remembering the way my life was and where it is 
and the track im on right now.

Can I have a minute to catch my breath and hold my finger up
One damn minute to think for myself without judgement and drummed impatient fingers

Can I have a minute to talk about what happened to me and to you and to us
and instead of unpacking shit and trying to see from your view point that you look at mine

Can we please stop for one fucking moment and rememebr that under all of this
We are people with feelings, who feel hard-done by, kicked to the curb, left-out, unloved and lonely

And lashing it out to those you make yourself vulnerable to only makes it hurt THAT much more

So can I ahve one minute to remember the good in people, the world, my family
without someone trying to ruin this optimist with realities which have no place in my life.

So I will take that minute and walk away because I am worth more than what you're prepared to give me.

Monday, September 9, 2013

My head

I want to write to express the ticker tape of thoughts running through my head
on any given day and even in wakeful moments while sleeping.

Between the loneliness of my own company, or the hand wringing and worrying while my mother
sit and waits while I queue in queues for her to get her to a doctor, a person who will not see patient number 157 but my mother, the precious women who I raise 4 times to the heavens.

When I pray in traffic or sleepless moments, for once, to have my goals reached rather than thwarted.

I want to sing and dance for the small gratitudes of a lovely day, sunshine on my back or a breeze in my face. To clap like a seal at my joys.

To laugh loudly and from the belly, when I am with friends and bring joy to their conversations.

Of whispered prayers of forgiveness because I fall. every.time

The wish of care and consideration for my friends and family who are struggling.
To say the right words to friends I miss.
To missing those I am longer with.
To celebrate achievements of those who have received victory

To remember with kindness the wrongs and forgive my own too.

To worship God even when it hurts or when I question in anger.

The unanswered "whys" and "why me"

To love and live with honour, truth and dignity and extend that to others.

I can't be more than who I am exactly. And thats ok too.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

New Directions

I been fortunate to have been in some awe-inspiring company lately.
More than just inspired it has forced me to think about my choices and my future.

When I asked one guy, why we feel pressure from our peers to conform or have a certain life,
he said "Change your peers" that simple.

Winds of change are sweeping once again and hopefully I make better choices this time around.

Ye like the new layout?

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Ramadaan... eh?

I know its Ramadaan and everyone will talk about the closeness, the pause the resetting of the soul.

I fear this Ramadaan its lost on me. While I am thankful to have made it, I have been tested.

And for my moms health alone i should be greatful and fall down on my knees. Which I have done
over and over. When I thought she wouldn't make it this time.

But without sounding to dramatic - I am bereft of meaning so far this Ramadaan. A mutual friend told me to "Keep on keepin' on"

Its easy when your life is cool and you can dictate your work and hours. Trying to find a spiritual centre in the middle of a traffic jams and deadlines. I am out of sync with the dance steps.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Counting my blessings

I wanted to count my blessings. Because over the last couple of months, I have had it pretty tough.
I don't mean, "I am so sad and I am not sure what to do with my life" tough

I mean illness, recovery and rehabilitation. Over the last few months everyone in my house has been hospitalised for something or the other.

It wasn't until my mom got really ill end of March and just never recovered. and I didn't think much of it, she's getting older and her body more fragile.
It wasn't until she couldn't walk or sit or clean herself, that I realised I was in trouble. this didn't happen over night, she just got out of bed, less and less and stopped talking less and less. As a Bipolar sufferer I put it down to a bout of depression that she couldn't shake. because of her loss of mobility, I have been walking her to and from the bathroom and eventually bedpan every 3 hours.
My job was the night shift, because my brother was with her all day. Between frustration,tears, anger and fierce fierce prayer and midnight bouts of crying. I had had enough

I have never felt so exhausted in my life. Last week my mom started suffering fits of delusions (I thought) but once she was hospitalised on Saturday it turns out, she had gotten very ill and was riddled with infection. What I assumed was delusions turned out to be fevered delirium, doc says its called sundowners syndrome [sp] basically everything fucks out after sun down.

4 days of hospitalisation, sees me bringing Petit fours to the hospital to celebrate her 68th birthday and when she saw me she did 3 things that nearly caused me to fall down crying:

She called my name and smiled (she didn't recognise me at one point)
Lifted herself into a sitting position (she couldn't do this)
and was fully aware of where she was

Its only when this happened, that I remembered to count my blessings.
Having lost a father already, I am aware of how short life is, but i wasn't ready to let her go.
Having her around for as long as the Almighty will spare her.

Go to your parents, give them a hug and a kiss and be grateful if they can still see to themselves.

For me, I am ecstatic, my mom is in recovery!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Fantasy and Fairytales

Welcome to the Dead Fathers club
Of little princess who are no longer little
And not so "princess after all"
Who have to fend for themselves.

Here's to the Queen mothers who are both royal and royally fatigued
To the vanished prince charming, who never becomes the knight in shining armour

To the cinder maid who rises above her station and to the doorman who is overlooked
for the swarthy court jester.

To the little girls who will never be innocent ever again
To the women who have to fight their own battles
And the mothers who wish for a kind hearted man to sweep their daughters off their feet

Here's to the Briennes of the world, that they may become the Polgara's, and even to the Melissandres and the Cersei's
the women who have made the best of their circumstances and have become the products of their lives.

May we all one day be the Mulan's and the Merida's - write our own future and find love in our own due course.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Eldorado Park the hood that couldn't

Everyone and their mother will now have an opinion on what is happening in Eldos and wether or not its actually as bad as it seems.

For as long as I can remember I have had to stand up for my hometown and convince people I didn't live in Baghdad Ext12. We had no drive-bys and other criminal activities.

I am not sure if I have been living under a rock, or if I disassociated a long time ago.  Recently Eldos has been in the press for all the wrong reasons. Death, Torture, Crime,Drugs almost every evil thing that has come to mind.

These issues are real and if I could have moved out I think I would and will. Not because I don't care, but because it gets tougher and tougher to remain. Loud drunken parties by neighbors who spare no thought to anyone but their good times. Cars racing down the road at break neck speeds. Absolute chaos of the festive and Easter Seasons. Openly drinking with your parents in front of your homes. Drag racing.

Everyone talks about the drugs and are eager to point out external forces/reason/people as the reason the scourge has brought Eldos to its knees.  However I want to add some balance to that. As someone who was born under apartheid and grew up in 94 and the golden years that followed. We were denied nothing, and allowed everything. We trashed all those conservative notions of neighbors looking out for your kids, and a sense of decency. Suddenly it was cool to have house parties, and while you said, " F%#k that to the neighbor" and proceeded to get drunk and party - we lost something vital. We lost our ability to balance. Our good Christian and Muslim folk would rather complain to like minded neighbors than risk complaining to the party people (Even if it was out of fear)

Years ago, I was involved in a project with SASVO and UNISA and we shown how black and coloured people were controlled by alchohol and good times. Not much has changed. We still have addiction to substance or more to the point substance abuse. Until we are prepared to make the correlations between our bad choices (Free & Dom), access to alcohol and the creation of the perfect environment for drugs to infiltrate and take over. We will go nowhere slowly. <- Did apartheid end for all of us.

Most people here have lost their jobs and have opened house shops, anything to make a living. Bad conditions, idle hands and a feeling that the world has forgotten you. Suddenly that old refrain starts playing in your head " We weren't white enough, now we're not black enough" or better yet,"these foreigners steal our jobs and our women" People will find reasons. Life for most here is bleak.

Not even 12 hours after the President Zuma's visit to Eldos, the M&G have already shifted the focus from nasty drug riddled Eldos to electioneering. (So they can presumably talk about how they called it first)[Could have used that power for good and drive a change, but ratings is everything]



I know this if the ANC does ACTUALLY manage to do something in Eldo's, I will pledge my vote. Eldos hates to admit it, we have always been DA Wards; and we have nothing to show for it.
They will tell you about how the ANC cockblocks for budget. And this is how Eldo's became "the town that time forgot". Our politicians have been too busy blaming one another, that every one forgot to pay attention.

We are tired of living at the mercy of Drug peddlers, Abusers, and crime. Any Political Party worth its salt, would make a move  on Eldos now. If it is electioneering they want, they will have to up the ante and bring results.

Aluta Continua
Die storie gaan aan!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Savour Sizzle of Mozambique


Last night I got to taste a little Mozambique. Sheena gracefully accomodated me when asked if I too could attend her twitter table she was hosting.

Man, there is nothing more delicious than well prepared prawns - when they can be found [ We couldn't find the prawns in the buffet and when I asked where the prawns were, the waiter responded with "under the sea"]He did it with such a dead pan face I couldn't stop laughing.

However Chef Benny of Masterchef fame, made sure that I got freshly prepared prawns as compensation for having to look for them.

The service was fast and efficient, the company was warm and funny, and my food was amazing.
I got to eat muscles,barracuda, red snapper, prawns and the most delish lobster tails I have ever had. 
Not bad for a R290 price tag eh? This taste experience is available until the 9th of May. Click here for bookings
Please also note of all the above fish, I have never eaten lobster,muscles, or even barracuda *ooh barracuda*

Thanks to Chris for being my plus one




Startes


Sheena, Kirsty, Chris,  & Dale


Chef B








Monday, April 22, 2013

Love and other stupidities

Why is it when we care about someone our lives tend to revolve around them. Even in the tiniest bits.

I am no longer an angsty teen or a hormone crazed school leaver.

The ex has shown up again 3 times now post op. (15 March) and its been fun hanging out at home. Watching tv, chatting. Like a real life relationship without the perks.

He has also just moved back home and survived a horrid divorce.
he was the dude everyone in highschool wanted, sexy, smart and funny.

14 years post highschool and he makes me feel giddy and exciting.

I hope this leads to something meaningful and not justa Mr right now.

As for other stupidities. MY name is Aasia- which means I fuck up all the time.
[when i say fuck up, I mean make mistakes, fall, break stuff and accident prone. GRowing up my nickname was broken Sara]

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Quick thoughts

its been a tough 1st quarter of the year. Lots of growing up, lots of mending both emotionally and physically from an op (I call it the rapture)

But I am hoping with a lots of prayer and excercise that things will heal.


Friday, March 8, 2013

The journey of friendships through decades

When for that little moment you forget your history and where you came from

And Never have I seen my life mirrored so, than in a few specific individuals who keep popping up in my life, no matter the paths we've chosen.

It started with 4 Muslims students chosen to attend a private schooled. To clever for our own good and  too driven for poverty.

What started at the age of 10 back in 1991 and traversed many many roads. Where our history and our demons have haunted us through our angsty teens and questionable 20's.

We seemed to have found our way in the end, our 30th's celebrated quietly with email conversations between us.

Will it surprise you that even though we were chosen to get a better education, all of us eventually left  the 1st world educational institution that tried to show us to live beyond colour, race and our humble beginnings. There were no lecturers and role models available for us back then, to show us how to intergrate our religion and the rest of our lives. We stumbled, messed up and made some BIG mistakes and we were ok.

In the end of those of us, one has become a stoic Wahhabi (who no longer wants our association, a unlabelled Muslim, a devout Christian and light bringing Buddhist who has dabbled through many faiths to find God. But its not the label that makes us Phenomenal,Its the journey we took to get there.
 Its good to know we found our peace with ourselves and God.

And when we sit and talk now, about the challenges and old friends, and new mistakes I am lucky to have had such a phenomenal relationship span my entire life. And we still are the same people we were back then - a little more laid back and loads more affable. I am blessed to have been surrounded by them and although we weren't always present at the time our difficult patches. I am elated to have celebrated the overcoming of every obstacle and every new beginning.

My ladies - you know WHO you are.

Thank you for sharing an exceptional journey with me.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Dance and Me

Its been a while since I've read a book thats moved me. I picked up this book in desperation on my way to the doc. Oriah Mountain Dreamer gave me the tools to help heal what was recently broken.

Me, my heart and my self worth.More than that, the hurt I felt and self flagellation that followed had driven me to a self destructive point.

The book, while by no means an answer to anything specific. Helped me to deal with my part in what happened, to take ownership of it, to forgive it and to love the humaness of my mistakes.

I sought to make it right with those who got hurt, those who were betrayed and sought forgiveness where neccessary. I also realised that I left my happiness and well being in other peoples hands.
As I slowly climb out of what can only be described as the toughest year since my dad died. I find more than anything I want peace of mind, and love for everyone.

The dance helped me articulate what I was feeling and allowed me to express what I couldn't.



The Dance
I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living. Don’t jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!" Just stand up quietly and dance with me.
Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiralling down into the ache within the ache. And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.
Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart. Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.
Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living. And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.
Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day. Show me you can risk being completely at peace, truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment, and again in the next and the next and the next. . .
I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring. Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall, the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will. What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?
And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.
Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart. And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.
Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are. When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.
Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children’s children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle not to change the world, but to love it.
Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude, knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.
And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.
Don’t say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

January Retrospective

January was a best of times and it was the worst of times.
Sounds a tad melodramatic but its true.



1. Losing stereotypes
I performed in Azaadville this passed weekend. While I do see why their call it the fourth holiest cities etc etc. The people were warm and welcoming and a laugh at themselves and me. I didn't know what a Kolvid was, I said I thought it was a biscuit (many laughs were had at this)


2. Losing habits

To say I have conquered my smoking habit doesn't even begin to describe the absolute happiness I feel at finally being free. I don't know what's made the difference this time. But even though I do sometimes feel the incredible urge to smoke from time to time. I am free.
*high fives self*

3. Losing Kg's

I have lost just over 5 kgs in the last month, bearing in mind 3 of us were gained because of #2, but still that's  10 bricks of butter that I am not carrying on my self any longer.

4. *Downstairs* health

Because of my PCOS i have always had issues with the regularity of most females. I am always accustomed to not getting my ladies business once a month. This month has been the worse and saw me visiting a gynae to have a small procedure done. ( I survived)

5. University
I am proud to announce that my niece is the first one on our family to attend University. I am so proud of her.

6. Operation move to CT
Is still going, just slowed down.

There was other stuff, the really bad stuff. But I will be grown up about it.Thats me.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

My Mothers child

I looked across the table where she sat and saw bits of myself I never wanted to recognise.
 I see parts of me staring back that I KNOW she gave me.
"Smile, its Sadaqah"she says - I do
"Forgive because its easier than bearing pain" - I try
"Don't hold onto things when they aren't yours" - I must admit to it.
"Don't believe you know better than God" - I submit.
I look across the table at the wrinkles that soften loving eyes and the trembling hands that hide a secret strength.
At a love- so robust - it fills my senses and makes me believe.
Your mother three times and then your father
Love,Forgive and Cherish and Protection.
 I am my mothers child, and my fathers daughter. Flaws and Flowers flow through me with a grace I am unsure of.

I bow my head in contrition and she,with shakey hands, lifts.
Tut-tuts me and says "enough." "Alles sal reg kom"

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Ja neh


I learnt a very long time ago that the worst thing you could do to another person, is
pretend they don't exist.

Nothing makes punishment more keenly felt than absolute silence.

Nothing diminishes relationships quite like technology

Nothing breaks my heart faster, than losing friends.

Now more than ever comes the time for reflection for me. Acknowledge, Forgive and Carry on.

I am flawed

But I am ok.


Sunday, January 13, 2013

What I want

I want to be reintroduced to God
I want to wrap myself up in faith and let go.

Not looking for reaffirmation, or escape
but for belief.

To say if God wills it and MEAN it
And be able to let go of what I can't control
or what I can't have
and be okay.

Im tired of tying knots in my belly that my brain can't unwrap
and of worrying all the time about things that aren't mine

I am tired of the self flagellation and morose thoughts that run through my head
To support myself just enough to give it to God.


Thursday, January 10, 2013

I had to quit her

"It was never going to work between you and I ",she said to me,
I looked down wishing the the ground would swallow me up entirely.

"You ignored me while your friends were around. You went out of your way to be with them
So much so, you left me alone. You didn't even notice me walk away."

I couldn't breathe I was so sad and the urge to run after her
There was so much I wanted to say,

Like telling her although THIS time I didn't mean it.
This time I had no control
That I still loved her, but that I knew if was for the best

its been almost 3 weeks since I last smoked.
Although I miss her (My Amy Winhouse bad habit)terribly
I can't believe I was able to leave her behind.