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Hijab - my weakness

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So since 2016, I've been mostly in Hijab and its tough. I know why I started wearing it, and it was to be a daily reminder to find better ways of being. Friends and Family, don't always understand. I'm "less progressive now" what they don't know is I will still call you a p03$ in a headscarf. but the point is that I WANT to be better, be more God-conscious. Heres the rub though. Sometimes I get sick and tired of trying to be a better person. It's too damn hard and especially since acceptance came easier outside of wearing hijab.  going out, showing my hair and wearing what I please. regardless of modesty. I miss not giving a fuck! Then I try to do not give a fuck and then I feel miserable. because my stupid ass knows better. I hate it sometimes because this means something different to others than it does to me. but these hijabi barbies will still fucking judge me for not wearing it the "right way" or the "IN the way" and for ...
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I can cry

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Tight chested and feeling like I am about to throw up breakfast I sit waiting to see her, you see I had been avoiding her for about 3 weeks because the questions were getting tough. "I think something is wrong" I say to her "I feel kak. Not ill or sad, just kak" "When was the last time you cried Aasia?" "Last week in the car on the N1" Well you obviously hate traffic then. *side eyes* So much has happened this year and as I slowly wrap my head around the drama, death and deceit. I find myself wondering what I thought I was going to achieve. "You act like you can't get hurt Aasia" Yes I get hurt. All.the.time. Except I am a cry in the shower and breathe slowly in a dark room kind of person. Because I rationalise. if I fall apart, who will pick up my pieces? "But you're lying to yourself again Aasia, you're not going to fall apart. You just dont want people to believe that you hurt now, and that its so...
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New years and the bombs

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you reduce my life to a #hashtag on a social site you bring a cannon to a gun fight I will not hate you, someone has to break the cycle of violence. For all the kids in Palestine and Israel, I will pray for your safety this day. I will pray for your understanding and for your tolerance. Hate begets hate. I will not hate Happy 1434 #endtheviolence
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