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Showing posts from 2014

Here's to 2014

I sought out to forget 2014 in its entirety. but inspite of the epic heartbreak I suffered. I learned so much

My biggest lesson though, is no matter how well you think you plan. Allah is the ultimate planner
I have no regrets, everything I have done has been my best attempt, and for the most part, thats all we can manage.  This isnt the end of my journey, just some exceptionally windy bits.

1. You can love someone so much and do nothing as they slip away,  I wish my mom was still here, but God called her, and I don't question it. But I miss her
2. Everyones journey is their own, no matter what your intention, some people have to find their way on their own
3. Loving someone isn't always enough.

1. heartbreak is soul destroying
2.Recovery is possible
3. Embrace your vulnerablity

1. Forgiveness is easier when you love someone
2. Friends have big hearts, I couldn't have managed this last 7 months without them

I have a the love and support of a…

feeling feelings and other emotions

You know that treadmill feeling? You know, you're doing stuff but you're not getting anywhere in particular. What you are doing is treading water.

That's the feeling I am currently sitting with, but I'm also sitting with many feelings actually. One that keeps rearing its head is grief. So I sometimes spend nights crying myself to sleep and feel emotionally drained the next day. Its a stage I have to experience and complete when the time is right. I am not being self punitive nor will I expect better. This is who I am right now.
While I have learnt to embrace the brokeness of my life right now. There is an urge to start planning my exit strategy. (not of life, if you were worried, just this chapter)
I am restless and while I see changes around me. Someone I had my heart set on (stupid) is in a great place and is happy, and has fuck all to do with me. And I am trying to manage it and the rejection implied, with grace. [this right here ladies and gentlemen is my grown up …

Home is where the heart (finds) ease

my mission has always been to be happy with my lot in life. push the status quo, but be happy at every step, happy at any weight, happy in any place.

I don't have the same type of optimism I had when I was younger, but I still believe in life's ability to surprise. There is just so much joy to be found, if only we stopped staring at the dark patch on the wall.
I am both happier and sadder than I have ever been. Renewing ties with people I thought I would lose forever and solidifying those I have. More at peace at the person I am, who still stops to check these days if she is crossing lines or overstepping. heartbreak and fear and being told that over and over, makes it hard to canon ball with enthusiasm but I hope I am still that.
Last night I was happier than I have been in a long while, and while sadness  (like a cloud, sometimes light and too far to cast a shadow, other times like a full on Jo'burg thunderstorm, your like a cape town winter, silently threatening and dar…

my my how you've grown

I never did mind growing up, I loved the idea of taking care of my self and being self sufficient.
But I have travelled quite a colourful road. and have not emerged unscathed

Not in the sense of im hurt and beat down, but that I am more aware of my life and my choices than I have ever been before. I am a woman of many contradictions and needs and wants and don't suffer fools any more.

while I have a good idea of who I am and where I am going, there isn't an actual destination. The idea to to have something to work towards and being better. and search for love is always there.

but I am not who I was 6 months ago, hell, Im not the same person I was 2 days ago. And Im ok.
Standing still is for statues. And where is the adventure in that!

My health fight

So we enter the second month of #wia100healthydays and while the first month was a bust in terms of eating clean. I did try my best to keep my eating "sort-of" healthy

During Ramadaan and post that, I had to pack up my moms house, and the only thing that kept me from eating through my feelings was the fact that the house was a buidling site and everything was covered in dust. Which made it unappetising to even your biggest emotional eaters

While I didn't lose much, (2 kgs) I gave myself a high 5 for not weighing the same as my fridge. I did get a shit load of strength training, by sanding and plastering walls, painting etc.

But to get back into the swing of things, I signed up for the 360 30 Day Summer Body Program which was offered at just R99 for the month. This is in conjunction with my walks and Sunday stair climibing at Rhodes Memorial 

I want to win the challenge, purely because right about now, I could do with a win!

Also on Tuesday 19th August we're having our fi…

Ushering in August

This has been a tough year so far. I have learnt to embrace change and hold onto that fact tighter than anything else in the room.

I cant explain where my head is at right now, or where its been. My grief at times has seemed insurmountable, and my joys short lived. But yet here I am, carrying on.
I am in a state of change and not sure what's going to happen next. Its as if I've been on the merry-go-round and its spinning and the revolutions are slowing down enough that I can finally see a chance to step off. Which means I'm trying to control the crazy but doesn't mean I know what it is that I'm doing.
I took sometime off to sort out my old home life and while we got the house ready for tenants, I did have a few emotional moments. We basically neutralised my old home and well its just a house now.
I got back to CT yesterday and while this does seem to be my refuge right now. I am unsure of what the next year brings, my last few years have been about loss in many for…

For Ridi, Muslim,Taoist, Fighter,Friend

June is a month that has been overshadowed by death and grieving and Ramadaan As I start coming to terms with my moms passing which has been a carnival ride on its own. 
I search inwards and question upwards. A very good friend Ridwan called me when he heard the news and offered words of comfort as I knew her birthday was coming up on the 2nd of July. He spoke me off an emotional ledge that Sunday night and helped me cope. Nothing prepared me for the phone call on that 2nd July my moms 69th birthday, from Ridi's colleagues to tell me that he succumbed to a heart attack on that very day. Allah grant him Jannah, he was an amazing man and I will sorely miss his counsel and witty remarks about life. We had a pact, that if by 2015 neither of us were married, we would marry each other. There was so much of him I saw in myself. and I will honour his memory by trying to be the woman he saw in me
Ridwan wonderful you are following your river it flows freely when you untangle and the hard t…

Its not that I am ungrateful

Its a month that you're gone today. I can't even believe it. I miss you

100 Healthy Days Challenge

2014  was going to be the year I reinvented myself, and seems it still is.
After getting really ill last year and being diagnosed with diabetes I embarked on a plan to change my life and get unstuck.

while I have been eating better and getting exercising more, I needed a challenge something to push me and scare me.

So a friend decided maybe I should enter the impi challenge but how do I get from where I am now to a 12km obstacle race in October?

Well I Am Challenge

you know they say success is when preparation and opportunity meet? I have been given the opportunity to participate in their 3rd Challenge and stand in line of winning a cash prize for the transformation challenge (weight loss) which starts on the 1st of July 2014 if you're keen on joining me.

well i am 3#WIA100HealthDays contestants have 100 healthy days to transform their bodies, their habits and their lives. What you put in is what you get out; the more you try, the more well i am rewards you.

well i am’s revolutionary ap…

the way it is

I don't want her to be gone, but she is.
The sadness that overcomes me, a certain kind of melancholy
you realise you have run out of parents.
that you can visit them both in a cemetery

that my life is both emptier and fuller because she is gone
I stood outside her bedroom window last night
as the melodious harmonies from the Jamaah started "Mow lay ya sa"

and for a moment I wished she were there, inside, waiting for me to come in

but she wasn't and I was gutted.

Lessons : People

people are just fascinating creatures. I cant remember a time where I didn't try to understand them or anticipate their needs.

That has always been something that came very natural to me, to see people to try and walk in their shoes. I cant remember who told me that piece of advice "you don't know what they went through"

Being myself, I took that advice almost literally, while not walking in their actual shoes. I did try and do it in my mind. And the most surprising thing is, if you're really open to understanding others. you will see and understand their point of view.

While the concept of people watching is something that can keep me busy for hours on end. I fear I sometimes get sucked into their stories. Like a method actor meets matrix meets inception. I don't always know what's real and when I'm being messed with.

While I do try to be more suspicious, my nature to believe is a strong one, and I am not sure its a habit I want to change. While the …

Worker bee

Since December I kept saying, I just need to get through March, after that things will settle down. The nature of murphy's law is a funny one. And here I was looking forward to the public holiday month with much joy and opportunities to chill out and kick back with friends.
My life is never dull nor linnear, I got hit with 3 moerse big projects for the next 6 months and while I am very excited, I am afraid that I won't live up to the expectations created for me.
Point is, apparently I will sleep in spring it seems.
For now, work, sleep, rave repeat

A musing

So I don't want to grumble but I am exhausted (thats a fact btw) So tired I fell and hit my head on the toilet (not too bad) because I seem to be ok
But I don't know if its just tiredness or what but to be honest but today I i found myself yearning for a little person of my own.

That is all... oh and a person to make a little person with

your cracks make you beautiful

No matter how they try to make you feel otherwise.
Your cracks are what make you beautiful.
Your journeys,your stories, your joy and your pain
Its how you fill the cracks that are most interesting

Sometimes we forget that unscathed is overrated.
Love yourself enough to know that you're pretty damn spectacular.

Today I got punched in the gut,
assaulted even though my eyes were open
and I knew where the exits were

Today I walked through a plan nursery
looking to turn my box living into some kind of living space

The moment was perfect, the sun was warm,
the nursery quiet except for the dripping of water from the plants

and I thought you were there and for a moment I could feel you
and then the punch  which took my breathe away - my dad was gone

See gardening was our job and choosing plants was mine
and he made me make the final choices no matter how illogical
stupid or what season it was

I couldn't breathe the realness was terrifying and the devastation at my reality broke me
, and while I sob as I type
I know its right, I have never felt sadder

Its been 7 years and while I can fill the void on most days
I fell into an emptiness for just a moment

I cant even buy flowers without you


Personal Project 2014: Me

Nothing quite like leaving your support structure in another province to remind you of who you can rely on in times of need.

I wanted Cape Town since my brother got married here in 1993 and begged my dad to let me come to school in the Cape. He was furious that I thought I could look after myself even then.
Then it hit me, it took me 20 years to ACTUALLY make it happen!

Like the ever continuing story of my life, I get what I want with an clause, get diabetes and now go live in the healthiest province in SA.  I digress, I wanted everything to happen now

Work, love, me, money and future to all sort of fall in to place and I realised, it wasn't JUST going to happen to me. No one was going to apply a shiny new coat of "life" to me and make it all ok.

I had to work and work hard. without my my brothers and cousins in walking distance. I had to become self reliant in new ways and had to learn to do stuff on my ace.

and I lamented my loneliness to my Cousin H, and she said &quo…


I am always wanting to write long and meaningful posts like some of the blogs I follow.
But i dont seem to have the ability to story tell quite like they do, skilled writers who can spin yarns and make magic out of typed words and sing songy sentences that leave you in an imagintive snare

But i dont have that and its cool

There is a lot I am good at, and this isnt one of those times.

Everyone keeps asking me what I have been upto, and Im not sure really if its worth repeating, but i hate inane convos but i hate evasive answers even more so

So I get stuck between wanting to be honest and not wanting to bore everyone into oblivion

Gym -  I gym almost 7 days a week or walk the Promenade, Newlands Forrest and once to tokai forrest and maybe attempt the pipe track again soon, unless there is an actual plan being made but yeah. Trying to get strong because I have committed to competing in the Impi in October 2014. So I dont want to kak, die or injure myself badly. Also being diagnosed diabet…

living on my own

I have adapted like a duck to water, the fit is just right
and the silence is golden.

Its like living in a Buddhist temple, where as soon as I get home and slip off my work day and clothes.
I get to keep quiet and ruminate

while I am afraid of my own company sometimes, its awesome to have my space, clearly demarcated by the landlord, that for the next year, this is Aasia-land.

I have had many many adventures, while exercising, and socialising and more recently spiritualising.
I am happy.
and while I have no pics to corrobrate, I am happy in my sort of empty space.

The possibilities are endless

First time in forever

I feel pretty

10kgs in 3 months

in my mind

I nearly crapped myself yesterday, while the year has just started. I freaked out about what I would have to do this year. and was so overwhelmed by the decisions and big things I would have to do
I cried while walking and i cried while swimming and I cried while doing downward dog, I was too afraid to leave the gym out of a fear that I would just cry if another human approached was a weird 3 hours at the gym

Success is the ability to move from one failure to the next with enthusiasm.
- Winston Churchhill

I want so much more from this year, as the last 2 years is littered with more failures than great stories, and I just realised if I wanted life to give me a break, I'm going to have to punch it in the nuts and make it give me the break. I I have to make my own breaks and I am going to have to work fucking hard to get to where I want to be.
So while i spend the next year getting an identity for myself, and an opinion of my own. I want to remember and practice some basic charact…