You know that treadmill feeling? You know, you're doing stuff but you're not getting anywhere in particular. What you are doing is treading water.
That's the feeling I am currently sitting with, but I'm also sitting with many feelings actually. One that keeps rearing its head is grief. So I sometimes spend nights crying myself to sleep and feel emotionally drained the next day. Its a stage I have to experience and complete when the time is right. I am not being self punitive nor will I expect better. This is who I am right now.
While I have learnt to embrace the brokeness of my life right now. There is an urge to start planning my exit strategy. (not of life, if you were worried, just this chapter)
I am restless and while I see changes around me. Someone I had my heart set on (stupid) is in a great place and is happy, and has fuck all to do with me. And I am trying to manage it and the rejection implied, with grace. [this right here ladies and gentlemen is my grown up reaction] I am in no space to willingly take someone else on board in my head right now.
I am lonely (and wont do anything about it, reread the previous paragraph) and that's another feeling I am living with. I have great company and am amazed by the people who have chosen to call me friend and I theirs. one of these friends said I remind her of a dragonfly, not exactly my first choice of spirit animal. But read up on it; the sentiment is pretty profound
"The dragonfly totem carries the wisdom of transformation and adaptability in life. As spirit animal, the dragonfly is connected to the symbolism of change and light. When the dragonfly shows up in your life, it may remind you to bring a bit more lightness and joy into your life. Those who have this animal as totem may be inclined to delve deep into their emotions and shine their true colors."
So while I may be overwhelmed with these feels and feelings. My biggest challenge is being ok not just with change but with the steep learning curve that is my life. and when my mind and heart is ready, I will let these feelings go too.