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Today I got punched in the gut,
assaulted even though my eyes were open
and I knew where the exits were

Today I walked through a plan nursery
looking to turn my box living into some kind of living space

The moment was perfect, the sun was warm,
the nursery quiet except for the dripping of water from the plants

and I thought you were there and for a moment I could feel you
and then the punch  which took my breathe away - my dad was gone

See gardening was our job and choosing plants was mine
and he made me make the final choices no matter how illogical
stupid or what season it was

I couldn't breathe the realness was terrifying and the devastation at my reality broke me
, and while I sob as I type
I know its right, I have never felt sadder

Its been 7 years and while I can fill the void on most days
I fell into an emptiness for just a moment

I cant even buy flowers without you

Daddy

Comments

Azra said…
They say that it never gets easier... you just learn to deal. Wishing you strength friend.
Keep on keeping you spectacular girl you. Your dad will always be with you.

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No matter how much I overcome,
or how much I endure

There always seems to be more venom
than there is a cure

I can't keep at it, this continuous struggle that's not real, but my reality
No matter how many of my demons I slay,
I have to fight and fight
new foes, new days.

Ya Allah, why is the first thing that leaves me, is my faith?
Why is that the hard part.

People who usually talk about Tawakkul, don't know anything about
the trouble and struggle of what it is.

What world is it, that we will live in, that allows people to play with others fate
Who don't have the emotional maturity to look for context.
To hate me because Im a misfit.(misfit is the excuse)
Maybe because Im not thin. or don't belong to the same clubs
Or maybe you just don't like a large brown woman telling you what to do.

Maybe you're the douche bag, but now it's me who must fight,
I don't WANT to, but I will HAVE to