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Ushering in August

This has been a tough year so far. I have learnt to embrace change and hold onto that fact tighter than anything else in the room.

I cant explain where my head is at right now, or where its been. My grief at times has seemed insurmountable, and my joys short lived. But yet here I am, carrying on.

I am in a state of change and not sure what's going to happen next. Its as if I've been on the merry-go-round and its spinning and the revolutions are slowing down enough that I can finally see a chance to step off. Which means I'm trying to control the crazy but doesn't mean I know what it is that I'm doing.

I took sometime off to sort out my old home life and while we got the house ready for tenants, I did have a few emotional moments. We basically neutralised my old home and well its just a house now.

I got back to CT yesterday and while this does seem to be my refuge right now. I am unsure of what the next year brings, my last few years have been about loss in many forms, friends, loved ones, ideas and trusts and hopefully it is all worth something in the end.

Right now, I just want to create a predictable home life and routine. I need predictable right now. And I also need to start vocalising things I need.

So here's to August, may it be the end of winter for me. and onward to Spring, Rebirth and Renewal


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Adversity and Adversary

No matter how much I overcome,
or how much I endure

There always seems to be more venom
than there is a cure

I can't keep at it, this continuous struggle that's not real, but my reality
No matter how many of my demons I slay,
I have to fight and fight
new foes, new days.

Ya Allah, why is the first thing that leaves me, is my faith?
Why is that the hard part.

People who usually talk about Tawakkul, don't know anything about
the trouble and struggle of what it is.

What world is it, that we will live in, that allows people to play with others fate
Who don't have the emotional maturity to look for context.
To hate me because Im a misfit.(misfit is the excuse)
Maybe because Im not thin. or don't belong to the same clubs
Or maybe you just don't like a large brown woman telling you what to do.

Maybe you're the douche bag, but now it's me who must fight,
I don't WANT to, but I will HAVE to