Ushering in August

-
This has been a tough year so far. I have learnt to embrace change and hold onto that fact tighter than anything else in the room.

I cant explain where my head is at right now, or where its been. My grief at times has seemed insurmountable, and my joys short lived. But yet here I am, carrying on.

I am in a state of change and not sure what's going to happen next. Its as if I've been on the merry-go-round and its spinning and the revolutions are slowing down enough that I can finally see a chance to step off. Which means I'm trying to control the crazy but doesn't mean I know what it is that I'm doing.

I took sometime off to sort out my old home life and while we got the house ready for tenants, I did have a few emotional moments. We basically neutralised my old home and well its just a house now.

I got back to CT yesterday and while this does seem to be my refuge right now. I am unsure of what the next year brings, my last few years have been about loss in many forms, friends, loved ones, ideas and trusts and hopefully it is all worth something in the end.

Right now, I just want to create a predictable home life and routine. I need predictable right now. And I also need to start vocalising things I need.

So here's to August, may it be the end of winter for me. and onward to Spring, Rebirth and Renewal


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Gadat, Memories and Wishes

-
Image
Last night was a tough, beautiful night. I am attending ISR2018 International Spiritual Retreat in Macassar Cape Town hosted by the Mahabbah Foundation . And last night marked the start of the retreat itself. And as per tradition, we have a Mass Ratibul Hadad  locally known as a Gadat,which was so beautifully heartchingly recited. I come from Johannesburg, and much to peoples surprise here in Cape Town. I grew up with it, literally, my father had his own Jamaah and there isn't a memory of mine, where gadat didn't feature. Sundays and Thursdays were almost always for gadats, (which when all you wanted to do, was watch some TV and chill) but we did it. The recitation last night was like a kick in the gut. It created such a sense of longing of my father and my mother who have passed away. Using the same lagoo (melody) I closed my eyes and pictured my father and uncles sitting in the lounge facing the congregation and leading us while we jikr'd with rhythm. My chil...
Read more

Life's Work and Ambition

-
A passing comment by a friend this weekend about me, got me thinking about the person I want to be. We were talking about how cold it was and I had said it was so cold, that my head was freezing from the outside. And she responded with" And that's why I miss you" After packing to move into the house share yesterday, I found a file I made with all my certificates and testimonials and my sense of humour featured in all of them. I genuinely couldn't care about how rich I get or how successful in my career. My deepest wish is to make those around me happy. Their happiness and fulfilment was enough for me. Nothing disturbs me more than a friend's suffering that I couldn't ease. I think I will face one of my biggest challenges in the next year with a friend who is exactly in that position and we will see where it takes us both.
Read more

I can't do this anymore

-
I realise now in retrospection, that I have been to free with my friendship, my loyalty and my time. Giving it away without a single thought on wether those people deserve my efforts. I know now, that because I am so different from the people and friendships I keep. That when the going gets tough, I get cut, hurt, bruised, not believed even worse become the accused. I am the reason things fall apart, I ruin lives and I am at fault. Don't mistake me, I am not-worthy most days of some of the friends I keep, and that I am without a doubt the most flawed in the bunch. Maybe it's my upbringing, maybe the lack of education that makes me trust people completely, or that I don't question wether they believe me or stand up for me when I am not around. I have been burned, I have been scarred and every time I aspire higher than my station in life. I am hurt or believed that I am not one of the collective. The realisation today is that I never was part of the group and I am a group...
Read more