Skip to main content

Counting my blessings

I wanted to count my blessings. Because over the last couple of months, I have had it pretty tough.
I don't mean, "I am so sad and I am not sure what to do with my life" tough

I mean illness, recovery and rehabilitation. Over the last few months everyone in my house has been hospitalised for something or the other.

It wasn't until my mom got really ill end of March and just never recovered. and I didn't think much of it, she's getting older and her body more fragile.
It wasn't until she couldn't walk or sit or clean herself, that I realised I was in trouble. this didn't happen over night, she just got out of bed, less and less and stopped talking less and less. As a Bipolar sufferer I put it down to a bout of depression that she couldn't shake. because of her loss of mobility, I have been walking her to and from the bathroom and eventually bedpan every 3 hours.
My job was the night shift, because my brother was with her all day. Between frustration,tears, anger and fierce fierce prayer and midnight bouts of crying. I had had enough

I have never felt so exhausted in my life. Last week my mom started suffering fits of delusions (I thought) but once she was hospitalised on Saturday it turns out, she had gotten very ill and was riddled with infection. What I assumed was delusions turned out to be fevered delirium, doc says its called sundowners syndrome [sp] basically everything fucks out after sun down.

4 days of hospitalisation, sees me bringing Petit fours to the hospital to celebrate her 68th birthday and when she saw me she did 3 things that nearly caused me to fall down crying:

She called my name and smiled (she didn't recognise me at one point)
Lifted herself into a sitting position (she couldn't do this)
and was fully aware of where she was

Its only when this happened, that I remembered to count my blessings.
Having lost a father already, I am aware of how short life is, but i wasn't ready to let her go.
Having her around for as long as the Almighty will spare her.

Go to your parents, give them a hug and a kiss and be grateful if they can still see to themselves.

For me, I am ecstatic, my mom is in recovery!


Anonymous said…
JazakAllah for the reminders. When things go wrong, it's so natural to focus on them. But we should in fact be focussing on all the things that are right / NOT going wrong - because our situations could always be worse than what it is.

And if we're grateful for what we already have, Allah will give us more.

May Allah grant your mom a complete recovery, and make it easy for you all.
Aasia said…
Absolutely DL - spent the last few months wallowing because of some things/relationships that didn't work out. I am a firm believer of reaping what you sow. I took my eye off my faith,family and the people who mattered. Lesson hard learned, will never be forgotten.
2:286 (Y. Ali) On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns.
Azra said…
And yes, I read your posts in your passive voice too :) lol.

My Mother is the most important person in my life, so I can't imagine how difficult it is for you. That's the thing with getting older... when we're young, we think our parents are invincible and immortable. Watching my parents get older isn't easy for me, but I'm grateful that they're still here. May Allah SWT grant everyone in your family complete shifaa from everything that ails them. Ameen :)
Aasia said…
Thanks Azra. She really is the my true north .xx

Popular posts from this blog

What the F**k just happened?

I'm actually so hesitant to post this because I know some people will want more than I am prepared to give, say or do.

But I can't be silent not so much about whats happened, but what I discovered about myself in the process.

The thing that happened:
I usually offer my services in digital marketing for free for fundraisers and people who do community work. So when a local religious (sheigh) leader asked to meet me to discuss a project. I thought nothing of it. I've met with plenty of them to know how to conduct myself.

Side Note: as someone who has recently embraced Hijab, I understand there is additional scrutiny on how I conduct myself in muslim restaurants, especially with local scholars/leaders

Flag 1: said sheigh pitched up in casual clothes and I could smell the cologne on him and could see he had recently shaved and groomed. This made me nervous because the first thing he remarked on was how pretty I was.

Flag 2: he kept asking me, how long I was prepared to stay there …

The last 2 years

Two years ago today, I instagram'd the moment I walked into my first retrenchment (I didn't know at the time)

Last year today after being told I did an amazing job, I was asked to leave for not being a cultural fit.
Hijab wearing muslim working for company who predominantly sold hard liquor, yeah I figured
But I took the job because I had no other means of income.

Its not lost on me, but I can't tell you what retrenchments does to your psyche, your confidence, your ability to say with certainty. I KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB

Between friends who gave generously of their time:

my lawyer friend who helped me negotiate a package, my social media friend who gave me some part time work to tide me over, to the friend who gave me a home so I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent. To the friend and her family who opened their home and fed me all of you who helped me and helped me maintain a semblance of dignity. for those friends who made me cry and reminded me that I have a tribe …


The beautiful scary thing is hidden away. Its sheer power to change who I am frightens me and gives me bravado to be myself, unapologetically.

Every time I want to take this beautiful scary thing out and show it to the world, I know the world and I are just not ready.

So back into the deep dark recess I keep you there, the beautiful scary thing, where I will visit you often and shine a bright light on you and love you and nurture you.

That's when I realise, its not my job to present the beautiful scary thing to the world. That is for itself to decide. So I sit here waiting in anticipation for that day to come and I can announce to the world.

I have loved you, beautiful scary thing, from the day I met you.