Skip to main content

I had to quit her

"It was never going to work between you and I ",she said to me,
I looked down wishing the the ground would swallow me up entirely.

"You ignored me while your friends were around. You went out of your way to be with them
So much so, you left me alone. You didn't even notice me walk away."

I couldn't breathe I was so sad and the urge to run after her
There was so much I wanted to say,

Like telling her although THIS time I didn't mean it.
This time I had no control
That I still loved her, but that I knew if was for the best

its been almost 3 weeks since I last smoked.
Although I miss her (My Amy Winhouse bad habit)terribly
I can't believe I was able to leave her behind.



Comments

Toyer said…
Congrats Cuz, it feels good though does it not?
13th Feb will be a year for me, keep going, just keep that mind active, it gets easier :)
Aasia said…
Thanks Toyer. I genuinely didn't mean to give it up when i did. Best mistake ever
Azra said…
Congrats! My Dad smoked up to 40 cigarettes for 35 years and one day he decided to quit - and he did. And it wasn't easy and he went through some difficult times but today it's been 6 years since that initial day and InshaAllah it stays that way. You can do anything you set your mind to.

Popular posts from this blog

The last 2 years

Two years ago today, I instagram'd the moment I walked into my first retrenchment (I didn't know at the time)

Last year today after being told I did an amazing job, I was asked to leave for not being a cultural fit.
Hijab wearing muslim working for company who predominantly sold hard liquor, yeah I figured
But I took the job because I had no other means of income.

Its not lost on me, but I can't tell you what retrenchments does to your psyche, your confidence, your ability to say with certainty. I KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB

Between friends who gave generously of their time:

my lawyer friend who helped me negotiate a package, my social media friend who gave me some part time work to tide me over, to the friend who gave me a home so I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent. To the friend and her family who opened their home and fed me all of you who helped me and helped me maintain a semblance of dignity. for those friends who made me cry and reminded me that I have a tribe …

What the F**k just happened?

I'm actually so hesitant to post this because I know some people will want more than I am prepared to give, say or do.

But I can't be silent not so much about whats happened, but what I discovered about myself in the process.

The thing that happened:
I usually offer my services in digital marketing for free for fundraisers and people who do community work. So when a local religious (sheigh) leader asked to meet me to discuss a project. I thought nothing of it. I've met with plenty of them to know how to conduct myself.

Side Note: as someone who has recently embraced Hijab, I understand there is additional scrutiny on how I conduct myself in muslim restaurants, especially with local scholars/leaders

Flag 1: said sheigh pitched up in casual clothes and I could smell the cologne on him and could see he had recently shaved and groomed. This made me nervous because the first thing he remarked on was how pretty I was.

Flag 2: he kept asking me, how long I was prepared to stay there …

shaking old memories lose

Last week, the ghadat opened a memory box that I had almost forgotten. While its made me pretty sad, I can't help and marvel at how far I have come.

The memory box was a little sketchy, in that it plays bits and pieces that overlap and blur and still cut like knives.

So poor.

When I tell people that I grew up poor and still have that mentality, I don't think they understood. Not that I ever explained it.

But after my dad has his toe amputated for gangrene. we didn't have much money. I remember exchanging cool drink bottles for cash for veggies to cook.

So poor, that when I was in agony because of teeth issues, the thing I remember was it was cheaper to extract than fix (fix meant multiple visits - that we couldn't afford.)

So poor that I cleaned my cousins house for money (she was a year younger than me)

look at me, Ms Digital Marketer with her own car, and poor person metality and look at how far you've come.

I never want to forget again.

I remain under a dark clou…