Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Dance and Me

Its been a while since I've read a book thats moved me. I picked up this book in desperation on my way to the doc. Oriah Mountain Dreamer gave me the tools to help heal what was recently broken.

Me, my heart and my self worth.More than that, the hurt I felt and self flagellation that followed had driven me to a self destructive point.

The book, while by no means an answer to anything specific. Helped me to deal with my part in what happened, to take ownership of it, to forgive it and to love the humaness of my mistakes.

I sought to make it right with those who got hurt, those who were betrayed and sought forgiveness where neccessary. I also realised that I left my happiness and well being in other peoples hands.
As I slowly climb out of what can only be described as the toughest year since my dad died. I find more than anything I want peace of mind, and love for everyone.

The dance helped me articulate what I was feeling and allowed me to express what I couldn't.

The Dance
I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living. Don’t jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!" Just stand up quietly and dance with me.
Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiralling down into the ache within the ache. And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.
Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart. Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.
Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living. And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.
Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day. Show me you can risk being completely at peace, truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment, and again in the next and the next and the next. . .
I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring. Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall, the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will. What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?
And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.
Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart. And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.
Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are. When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.
Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children’s children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle not to change the world, but to love it.
Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude, knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.
And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.
Don’t say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

January Retrospective

January was a best of times and it was the worst of times.
Sounds a tad melodramatic but its true.

1. Losing stereotypes
I performed in Azaadville this passed weekend. While I do see why their call it the fourth holiest cities etc etc. The people were warm and welcoming and a laugh at themselves and me. I didn't know what a Kolvid was, I said I thought it was a biscuit (many laughs were had at this)

2. Losing habits

To say I have conquered my smoking habit doesn't even begin to describe the absolute happiness I feel at finally being free. I don't know what's made the difference this time. But even though I do sometimes feel the incredible urge to smoke from time to time. I am free.
*high fives self*

3. Losing Kg's

I have lost just over 5 kgs in the last month, bearing in mind 3 of us were gained because of #2, but still that's  10 bricks of butter that I am not carrying on my self any longer.

4. *Downstairs* health

Because of my PCOS i have always had issues with the regularity of most females. I am always accustomed to not getting my ladies business once a month. This month has been the worse and saw me visiting a gynae to have a small procedure done. ( I survived)

5. University
I am proud to announce that my niece is the first one on our family to attend University. I am so proud of her.

6. Operation move to CT
Is still going, just slowed down.

There was other stuff, the really bad stuff. But I will be grown up about it.Thats me.