Thursday, July 18, 2013

Ramadaan... eh?

I know its Ramadaan and everyone will talk about the closeness, the pause the resetting of the soul.

I fear this Ramadaan its lost on me. While I am thankful to have made it, I have been tested.

And for my moms health alone i should be greatful and fall down on my knees. Which I have done
over and over. When I thought she wouldn't make it this time.

But without sounding to dramatic - I am bereft of meaning so far this Ramadaan. A mutual friend told me to "Keep on keepin' on"

Its easy when your life is cool and you can dictate your work and hours. Trying to find a spiritual centre in the middle of a traffic jams and deadlines. I am out of sync with the dance steps.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Counting my blessings

I wanted to count my blessings. Because over the last couple of months, I have had it pretty tough.
I don't mean, "I am so sad and I am not sure what to do with my life" tough

I mean illness, recovery and rehabilitation. Over the last few months everyone in my house has been hospitalised for something or the other.

It wasn't until my mom got really ill end of March and just never recovered. and I didn't think much of it, she's getting older and her body more fragile.
It wasn't until she couldn't walk or sit or clean herself, that I realised I was in trouble. this didn't happen over night, she just got out of bed, less and less and stopped talking less and less. As a Bipolar sufferer I put it down to a bout of depression that she couldn't shake. because of her loss of mobility, I have been walking her to and from the bathroom and eventually bedpan every 3 hours.
My job was the night shift, because my brother was with her all day. Between frustration,tears, anger and fierce fierce prayer and midnight bouts of crying. I had had enough

I have never felt so exhausted in my life. Last week my mom started suffering fits of delusions (I thought) but once she was hospitalised on Saturday it turns out, she had gotten very ill and was riddled with infection. What I assumed was delusions turned out to be fevered delirium, doc says its called sundowners syndrome [sp] basically everything fucks out after sun down.

4 days of hospitalisation, sees me bringing Petit fours to the hospital to celebrate her 68th birthday and when she saw me she did 3 things that nearly caused me to fall down crying:

She called my name and smiled (she didn't recognise me at one point)
Lifted herself into a sitting position (she couldn't do this)
and was fully aware of where she was

Its only when this happened, that I remembered to count my blessings.
Having lost a father already, I am aware of how short life is, but i wasn't ready to let her go.
Having her around for as long as the Almighty will spare her.

Go to your parents, give them a hug and a kiss and be grateful if they can still see to themselves.

For me, I am ecstatic, my mom is in recovery!