Friday, February 28, 2014

Today I got punched in the gut,
assaulted even though my eyes were open
and I knew where the exits were

Today I walked through a plan nursery
looking to turn my box living into some kind of living space

The moment was perfect, the sun was warm,
the nursery quiet except for the dripping of water from the plants

and I thought you were there and for a moment I could feel you
and then the punch  which took my breathe away - my dad was gone

See gardening was our job and choosing plants was mine
and he made me make the final choices no matter how illogical
stupid or what season it was

I couldn't breathe the realness was terrifying and the devastation at my reality broke me
, and while I sob as I type
I know its right, I have never felt sadder

Its been 7 years and while I can fill the void on most days
I fell into an emptiness for just a moment

I cant even buy flowers without you

Daddy

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Personal Project 2014: Me

Nothing quite like leaving your support structure in another province to remind you of who you can rely on in times of need.

I wanted Cape Town since my brother got married here in 1993 and begged my dad to let me come to school in the Cape. He was furious that I thought I could look after myself even then.
Then it hit me, it took me 20 years to ACTUALLY make it happen!

Like the ever continuing story of my life, I get what I want with an clause, get diabetes and now go live in the healthiest province in SA.  I digress, I wanted everything to happen now

Work, love, me, money and future to all sort of fall in to place and I realised, it wasn't JUST going to happen to me. No one was going to apply a shiny new coat of "life" to me and make it all ok.

I had to work and work hard. without my my brothers and cousins in walking distance. I had to become self reliant in new ways and had to learn to do stuff on my ace.

and I lamented my loneliness to my Cousin H, and she said " Dont worry about relationships and people, do Aasia, do you" I have always given my time to those that I loved and did so without asking. Here I was miles away and H gave me a challenge, dont find other projects/people to cheerlead. Sort yourself out.

While I am still drawn to making others lives easier, I do so within the constructs of my schedule, I wont be the friend who is always available and always there immediately for 2 reasons: I am not slave and I have things I need to do"

so here is my declaration if intent: 2014 is the year to do me, or atleast just the start.

dont wait for someone to love you (complete you, substantiate you, or affirm your existence)
do it yourself, my most challenging DIY project to date...is me