Simply Aasia

I looked across the table where she sat and saw bits of myself I never wanted to recognise.  I see parts of me staring back that I KNOW she gave me. "Smile, its Sadaqah"she says - I do "Forgive because its easier than bearing pain" - I try "Don't hold onto things when they aren't yours" - I must admit to it. "Don't believe you know better than God" - I submit. I look across the table at the wrinkles that soften loving eyes and the trembling hands that hide a secret strength. At a love- so robust - it fills my senses and makes me believe. Your mother three times and then your father Love,Forgive and Cherish and Protection.  I am my mothers child, and my fathers daughter. Flaws and Flowers flow through me with a grace I am unsure of. I bow my head in contrition and she,with shakey hands, lifts. Tut-tuts me and says "enough." "Alles sal reg kom"

I learnt a very long time ago that the worst thing you could do to another person, is pretend they don't exist. Nothing makes punishment more keenly felt than absolute silence. Nothing diminishes relationships quite like technology Nothing breaks my heart faster, than losing friends. Now more than ever comes the time for reflection for me. Acknowledge, Forgive and Carry on. I am flawed But I am ok.

I want to be reintroduced to God I want to wrap myself up in faith and let go. Not looking for reaffirmation, or escape but for belief. To say if God wills it and MEAN it And be able to let go of what I can't control or what I can't have and be okay. Im tired of tying knots in my belly that my brain can't unwrap and of worrying all the time about things that aren't mine I am tired of the self flagellation and morose thoughts that run through my head To support myself just enough to give it to God.

"It was never going to work between you and I ",she said to me, I looked down wishing the the ground would swallow me up entirely. "You ignored me while your friends were around. You went out of your way to be with them So much so, you left me alone. You didn't even notice me walk away." I couldn't breathe I was so sad and the urge to run after her There was so much I wanted to say, Like telling her although THIS time I didn't mean it. This time I had no control That I still loved her, but that I knew if was for the best its been almost 3 weeks since I last smoked. Although I miss her (My Amy Winhouse bad habit)terribly I can't believe I was able to leave her behind.