Adulting

-
I've always been the good girl, the well behaved -its-the-right-thing-to-do girl.

And somewhere along the lines, I got tired of it. I have lived my life out of fear.
Fear that I wouldn't be enough, that I'd be too much, that I wouldn't crack it.

My fear has taken many forms, people pleaseing, the mediator, the fence sitter and ofcourse the constant need for external validation.

Now I sit here and I have taken my first "no take backs" adult steps.  And the world didn't crumble.
While I am still fighting the internal fight with my old self. I have to constantly remind myself to be brave and bold because I am looking for a different outcome.

So go on, be brave and do something that scares the shit out of you

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Gadat, Memories and Wishes

-
Image
Last night was a tough, beautiful night. I am attending ISR2018 International Spiritual Retreat in Macassar Cape Town hosted by the Mahabbah Foundation . And last night marked the start of the retreat itself. And as per tradition, we have a Mass Ratibul Hadad  locally known as a Gadat,which was so beautifully heartchingly recited. I come from Johannesburg, and much to peoples surprise here in Cape Town. I grew up with it, literally, my father had his own Jamaah and there isn't a memory of mine, where gadat didn't feature. Sundays and Thursdays were almost always for gadats, (which when all you wanted to do, was watch some TV and chill) but we did it. The recitation last night was like a kick in the gut. It created such a sense of longing of my father and my mother who have passed away. Using the same lagoo (melody) I closed my eyes and pictured my father and uncles sitting in the lounge facing the congregation and leading us while we jikr'd with rhythm. My chil...
Read more

Life's Work and Ambition

-
A passing comment by a friend this weekend about me, got me thinking about the person I want to be. We were talking about how cold it was and I had said it was so cold, that my head was freezing from the outside. And she responded with" And that's why I miss you" After packing to move into the house share yesterday, I found a file I made with all my certificates and testimonials and my sense of humour featured in all of them. I genuinely couldn't care about how rich I get or how successful in my career. My deepest wish is to make those around me happy. Their happiness and fulfilment was enough for me. Nothing disturbs me more than a friend's suffering that I couldn't ease. I think I will face one of my biggest challenges in the next year with a friend who is exactly in that position and we will see where it takes us both.
Read more

I can't do this anymore

-
I realise now in retrospection, that I have been to free with my friendship, my loyalty and my time. Giving it away without a single thought on wether those people deserve my efforts. I know now, that because I am so different from the people and friendships I keep. That when the going gets tough, I get cut, hurt, bruised, not believed even worse become the accused. I am the reason things fall apart, I ruin lives and I am at fault. Don't mistake me, I am not-worthy most days of some of the friends I keep, and that I am without a doubt the most flawed in the bunch. Maybe it's my upbringing, maybe the lack of education that makes me trust people completely, or that I don't question wether they believe me or stand up for me when I am not around. I have been burned, I have been scarred and every time I aspire higher than my station in life. I am hurt or believed that I am not one of the collective. The realisation today is that I never was part of the group and I am a group...
Read more