I realise now in retrospection, that I have been to free with my friendship, my loyalty and my time.
Giving it away without a single thought on wether those people deserve my efforts.
I know now, that because I am so different from the people and friendships I keep. That when the going gets tough, I get cut, hurt, bruised, not believed even worse become the accused.
I am the reason things fall apart, I ruin lives and I am at fault. Don't mistake me, I am not-worthy most days of some of the friends I keep, and that I am without a doubt the most flawed in the bunch. Maybe it's my upbringing, maybe the lack of education that makes me trust people completely, or that I don't question wether they believe me or stand up for me when I am not around.
I have been burned, I have been scarred and every time I aspire higher than my station in life. I am hurt or believed that I am not one of the collective.
The realisation today is that I never was part of the group and I am a groupie and worse is the realisation that I am treated like one.
I maligned a good friend who has faults as big as mine, and she has my back and supports me even at the worst of times. I am done making the effort to be with them, to socialise or call them. Because of things that have transpired, they now have to earn the right to be called a friend. They have to put in the effort, because I will not.
I can't be that girl anymore, that friend you only see when your regulars let you down and you need a quick hug, an encouragment or a willing ear. Rather be real with me about my faults, then play it down in my presence and talk about how I enraged you, when I don't pass your tests, or don't give the right response required.
I will always question everyone from now onwards, who I choose to call friend.
Because I am worth more, than what my friends have given me.