Skip to main content

you know!?

Stolen from a friends blog, they know who they are, but summed up 2012 for me:
The last few days have, for reasons unknown, brought to light issues of friendship, loyalty, and trust. What IS friendship? To you? There are people I’ve known for years who are less friend to me than people I’ve known for mere months. How odd is that? There are friends who I have known for years, who I realise now, are not *true* friends. According to my personal definition of *true*. All of this has also highlighted how lucky I am to actually have people I consider sincere friends.
Then there’s this issue of Trust. You never really realise how much it means til there’s a shortage of it. And I don’t even mean the kind of trust that involves spades, skellingtons and blood oaths of silence. The simple trust of day to day relationships is what I mean.
I’ve seen trust erode this year, like never before. And it pains me. And makes me feel like a paranoid git. And it wears me down. For better or worse, I prefer to live this life with my heart on my sleeve, even when walking through fields of cactuseses. Even when hiking in acid rain and desert storms. Foolish much? Of course it is.
See, I’ve been hardened by the jobs I’ve had. The working world grates away at your naivety and idealism, and by wearing my heart the way I do, it’s my silly way of rebelling.
I don’t always get it right. Sometimes the heart crawls right up the sleeve, takes a turn south, and ends up in my sneakers and hides there a tremblin… but this year has been so wearsome, that the only place to show myself, is the outside. Foolish or not, that is how I’m trying to roll.

More than that though, I have had a serious run of bad luck, but I wont wallow in it either.
Also I can be a crap friend, this much I know, but I am actively working on it with people who genuinely give a shit, not a once a month catch up, but the real kind, when shit goes down, they call you, they say silly things and you laugh.
We all have coping mechanisms and mine is retreat and surrender. They know this, and they coax me out of my sad spots,

Anyway, after Monday nights break in, and surviving on a couple hours of sleep. I am tired of having to explain myself. So either be the friend or theres the door.

Sidenote: I cried in the car this morning, between Beyers Naude and Malibongwe, while disturbia by Rihanna was playing on radio. Which made me realise, I need more sleep.

A

Comments

sham said…
See, that's what happens when you listen to Rihanna. Let it be a musical LESSON.

Popular posts from this blog

The last 2 years

Two years ago today, I instagram'd the moment I walked into my first retrenchment (I didn't know at the time)

Last year today after being told I did an amazing job, I was asked to leave for not being a cultural fit.
Hijab wearing muslim working for company who predominantly sold hard liquor, yeah I figured
But I took the job because I had no other means of income.

Its not lost on me, but I can't tell you what retrenchments does to your psyche, your confidence, your ability to say with certainty. I KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB

Between friends who gave generously of their time:

my lawyer friend who helped me negotiate a package, my social media friend who gave me some part time work to tide me over, to the friend who gave me a home so I wouldn't have to worry about paying rent. To the friend and her family who opened their home and fed me all of you who helped me and helped me maintain a semblance of dignity. for those friends who made me cry and reminded me that I have a tribe …

What the F**k just happened?

I'm actually so hesitant to post this because I know some people will want more than I am prepared to give, say or do.

But I can't be silent not so much about whats happened, but what I discovered about myself in the process.

The thing that happened:
I usually offer my services in digital marketing for free for fundraisers and people who do community work. So when a local religious (sheigh) leader asked to meet me to discuss a project. I thought nothing of it. I've met with plenty of them to know how to conduct myself.

Side Note: as someone who has recently embraced Hijab, I understand there is additional scrutiny on how I conduct myself in muslim restaurants, especially with local scholars/leaders

Flag 1: said sheigh pitched up in casual clothes and I could smell the cologne on him and could see he had recently shaved and groomed. This made me nervous because the first thing he remarked on was how pretty I was.

Flag 2: he kept asking me, how long I was prepared to stay there …

Dreamlifes Quiz

So while I have been on a downer of note these last few months.
Dreamlife asked me to complete the questionnaire below



1. Why did you start your blog and does it fulfill that purpose.

I wanted to have a voice online, specifically because finding someone I could relate to was so hard. In hopes that someone else stuck between things would find something they could relate to.

I don't know if it fulfills that purposed anymore, and more just a soap box that I can let things out.



2. Whats your favourite post of all time. (your own work please)
http://aasiaf.blogspot.co.za/2012/06/lifes-work-and-ambition.html
a reminder of who I wanted to be.

3. If you could meet 3 people living or dead who would they be.

- My great great great great grandfather on my dads side, An Afghani pathan who found himself in SA and kidnap a norwegian woman and made her his wife. - I need the full story

- Then my  great grandfather mom side, who was an off the boat indian from Surat who took a khoi second wife, th…