Thursday, November 1, 2012

you know!?

Stolen from a friends blog, they know who they are, but summed up 2012 for me:
The last few days have, for reasons unknown, brought to light issues of friendship, loyalty, and trust. What IS friendship? To you? There are people I’ve known for years who are less friend to me than people I’ve known for mere months. How odd is that? There are friends who I have known for years, who I realise now, are not *true* friends. According to my personal definition of *true*. All of this has also highlighted how lucky I am to actually have people I consider sincere friends.
Then there’s this issue of Trust. You never really realise how much it means til there’s a shortage of it. And I don’t even mean the kind of trust that involves spades, skellingtons and blood oaths of silence. The simple trust of day to day relationships is what I mean.
I’ve seen trust erode this year, like never before. And it pains me. And makes me feel like a paranoid git. And it wears me down. For better or worse, I prefer to live this life with my heart on my sleeve, even when walking through fields of cactuseses. Even when hiking in acid rain and desert storms. Foolish much? Of course it is.
See, I’ve been hardened by the jobs I’ve had. The working world grates away at your naivety and idealism, and by wearing my heart the way I do, it’s my silly way of rebelling.
I don’t always get it right. Sometimes the heart crawls right up the sleeve, takes a turn south, and ends up in my sneakers and hides there a tremblin… but this year has been so wearsome, that the only place to show myself, is the outside. Foolish or not, that is how I’m trying to roll.

More than that though, I have had a serious run of bad luck, but I wont wallow in it either.
Also I can be a crap friend, this much I know, but I am actively working on it with people who genuinely give a shit, not a once a month catch up, but the real kind, when shit goes down, they call you, they say silly things and you laugh.
We all have coping mechanisms and mine is retreat and surrender. They know this, and they coax me out of my sad spots,

Anyway, after Monday nights break in, and surviving on a couple hours of sleep. I am tired of having to explain myself. So either be the friend or theres the door.

Sidenote: I cried in the car this morning, between Beyers Naude and Malibongwe, while disturbia by Rihanna was playing on radio. Which made me realise, I need more sleep.

A

1 comment:

sham said...

See, that's what happens when you listen to Rihanna. Let it be a musical LESSON.