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I can cry

Tight chested and feeling like I am about to throw up breakfast
I sit waiting to see her, you see I had been avoiding her for about 3 weeks
because the questions were getting tough.

"I think something is wrong" I say to her "I feel kak. Not ill or sad, just kak"
"When was the last time you cried Aasia?"
"Last week in the car on the N1"

Well you obviously hate traffic then.
*side eyes*

So much has happened this year and as I slowly wrap my head around the drama,
death and deceit. I find myself wondering what I thought I was going to achieve.

"You act like you can't get hurt Aasia"
Yes I get hurt. All.the.time.
Except I am a cry in the shower and breathe slowly in a dark room kind of person.

Because I rationalise. if I fall apart, who will pick up my pieces?
"But you're lying to yourself again Aasia, you're not going to fall apart.
You just dont want people to believe that you hurt now, and that its sore and that its not getting better fast. And you dont want to be fragile"

No shit, Fragility is not something I want associated with me, I am the Bull in the china shop. Not the china itself.

I miss her and I am pissed at her. I am angry at them and I want nothing more than a really big hug.

I want my own him.

But for now I can cry

Comments

sham said…
*big Magical Unicorn HUG*
Azra said…
For what it's worth - *hug*

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Adversity and Adversary

No matter how much I overcome,
or how much I endure

There always seems to be more venom
than there is a cure

I can't keep at it, this continuous struggle that's not real, but my reality
No matter how many of my demons I slay,
I have to fight and fight
new foes, new days.

Ya Allah, why is the first thing that leaves me, is my faith?
Why is that the hard part.

People who usually talk about Tawakkul, don't know anything about
the trouble and struggle of what it is.

What world is it, that we will live in, that allows people to play with others fate
Who don't have the emotional maturity to look for context.
To hate me because Im a misfit.(misfit is the excuse)
Maybe because Im not thin. or don't belong to the same clubs
Or maybe you just don't like a large brown woman telling you what to do.

Maybe you're the douche bag, but now it's me who must fight,
I don't WANT to, but I will HAVE to