I think I have been in a rut for the last five years. I know this because everything seemed dull.
Things I enjoyed doing, food, dance, art everything.
5 years ago I lost my dad, and almost all my efforts were spent trying to fill the gap he has left, in my life, my home, my family and my mind.
I think I have pretended for far too long that it was I was ok. That is was ok to miss him and to get over him. My entire life took a nose dive, my love of dancing, swimming and the outdoors were sweet but left me with a bitter after taste. And I think I have spent these last years pretending that it was fine, that I was fine and that all these things, was proof that I was maturing and changing.
I look at my life now, and after feeling disappointed again, I needed to figure out when I stopped caring about me, my joys and my passions. And I stopped caring when he died. Not feeling was so much better than dealing with the excruciating pain and loss of losing someone so pivotal in my life.
Of course I tried moving on, and "living" and I look at the colossal fuck ups I ended up making. The painful growing up because I expected people(family,friends and men) to care more about me and the hurt I experienced when they didn't. How could they care for someone so broken? Who couldn't even experience real love and real friendship and who seems to self sabotage herself at every step!
I focussed on things which didn't require affection. And then I moved to C, and for once I thought this was a company, a career path that would finally substantiate my existence. I found unexpected friendships and saw almost the best of humanity. For the first time in years, I began to HOPE. But this time, I believed and loved and I got screwed over.
Now I have to deal with the loss and pain of it. And potentially that of a friend. Also maybe even unrequited love.